So one of the things I am slowly starting to realize is that even though so many of the actors you see in all the major movies suck (e.g., Keanu Reeves, Paul Walker, Jessica Alba--though she is hot as shit), there are a TON of great actors in Hollywood that never get attention or major roles, and it's complete bullshit.
I won't even try to sell you on our leads as falling into this category--they're going to be household names once this movie comes out--because I have a much better example, a woman who has been constantly working for years and is playing a major supporting role on my movie. In fact, I am sitting right here as I type this, watching her kill it on every take and steal all her scenes:
I can't tell you anything at all about what her role is, or why is she is stealing her scenes because that would give stuff about the plot away. You want to see her character fresh, trust me, and when you do, you are going to LOVE her. I have read this script 1000 times and am tired of the jokes I've heard them so much, yet she is making me laugh all over again with her take on them.
She is such an amazing professional too. Nice, pleasant, and completely on point. You give her a note once and she nails it forever. And once she understood that this was a creative, collaborative set and that her input would be respected, she took the role and expanded it and made it even better than what Nils and I wrote. We gave her the framework, but a large part of the humor is coming from her additions.
That's one of the supreme ironies of Hollywood--a lot of times, character actors are better at acting than leads. How could this be? Because character actors don't have major name recognition to the general public, they only get work if they are actually good at acting. A "star" like Keanu Reeves gets work based on his ability to inspire people to pay for a ticket to the movie. He doesn't have to be good, as long as he puts asses in the seats.
Obviously the issue is much more complex than this, and my thoughts on this are not fully formed. I'm still new to Hollywood and there is still a lot for me to learn. But what I do know is that in the audition process for this movie, we saw a TON of really really good actors who don't get lead roles, and it has nothing to do with their ability.
The lesson: Don't judge an actor based on the fact that they haven't ever been a lead. There are many stars out there, just waiting for the right role to display their abilities.
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Well, for the first time in the history of this blog, Nils beat me to the punch on a post. Good for him!
It is now the second day of shooting, and I am in video village waiting for a set-up for the third scene of the day. There is so much going on, so much to making a movie that you just don't get until you show up on set. I still don't even know the names of 80% of the crew, nor could I tell you exactly what most of them do. Don't get me wrong--they all have jobs, it's just that I can't figure them out until they are explained to me.
There is so much to write here, but I just don't have time, because, you know, I'm producing a movie and all. Just the mini-little creative decisions--there are hundreds a day. It's an ordered chaos. Sort of like working in a really busy restaurant; completely confusing and nonsensical until you learn it, then it makes total sense and you can see the logic. I'm not used to it yet.
Here are like 250+ pics of the first day. You can't tell anything about the plot or whatever from these pics, they are just to give you an idea about what the set looks like and shit like that.
I have an idea--if you aren't a movie person (like me) but want to know what the pics are of or what something is or anything like that, link the pic in the discussion thread and ask your question and my assistant Greg will answer them. He went to film school and knows a lot more about sets than I do.
Here is the discussion thread, you have to register to post
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Well, the first day is officially in the books and, much like the line for "Dark Knight" tickets at the local Shreveport multiplex this weekend, it was long and sweaty. I can't say I was surprised since we wisely decided to film in the deep South just as the summer heat and humidity really gets going. But that is no consolation when you are sitting around waiting for things to get set up in 90 degree heat and you feel that first bead of sweat trace its way from the middle of your back down your spine and into your buttcrack...and it's only 9:15am.
As first days go, or at least so I'm told, ours was pretty light and went off rather smoothly. The only hitch in our giddyup occurred just before lunch when Suki (the DP) and Bob Bates (the Lead Electrician, aka Gaffer) blew a circuit breaker while setting up for a shot because they plugged in every light they could fit in the door. It was a relatively quick fix since...SHOCKER...plugging floodlights into domestic light sockets tends to make things not work so good and, as such, the malfunction was not unexpected.
Ultimately, I learned two things today:
1) Diet Coke is like currency on the set of a film. I don't know how many times I heard the words "sugar free" and "carbs" today, but it was well over two dozen and most of them were related to that most splendid of thirst-quenching calorie-free beverages.
2) Keri Lynn Pratt looks absolutely stunning through the lens of a camera. Don't get me wrong, she is very pretty in real life, but you put her in a tight shot on screen where she has to smile or laugh and it's like an explosion of beauty. This may sound like a little bit of hyperbole and who knows, you might be right, it's just that this is the first time I've seen that happen in person, on a screen. The most important thing, though, is that I can't get in trouble for saying any of this stuff since she and TheFiancee have become pretty fast friends and TheFiancee not only agrees but knew that would happen without even needing to see a single frame.
The best part is that Tucker, despite all his early protestations and misgivings about Keri, saw it too. Between shots, she came over to where we were sitting and we had this exchange:
Nils: By the way Keri, you looked absolutely phenomenal in that last shot.
Tucker: Yeah, I mean you're obviously good looking in person, but if you looked as good in real life as you do on screen, I would probably try to date you.
Keri: Gee, thanks Tucker. See I told you, you were wrong about me. Maybe by the end of this shoot you'll believe me.
T: Not until you sleep with me.
K: That's never going to happen.
T: We'll see.
N: Shit, I hope we don't. 'Cuz if we do, it means you were RIGHT about her.
That, and some actually, ya know, movie-making 'n stuff, is the first day of principal photography in a nutshell. Only 29 more to go...
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FYI: This post is all sorts of artsy and weepy, so if you don't want to read that crap, just stop now. I have to get this off my chest, so I'm putting it here, but it may not be at all interesting to anyone. Fair warning.
As I am typing this, it's less than 12 hours until we start shooting the movie. This week everyone has constantly asked me if I'm nervous or excited. I'm really not at all. Right now, I have two main emotions: Anxious and a little bit sad.
I'm anxious because of something I realized on Wednesday when we were doing the camera test:
This movie is no longer mine.
My life started it. I have loved this project and nurtured it and anguished over it and suffered for it and sacrificed for it. And now it's not mine anymore.
Don't get me wrong: It's going exactly as it's supposed to go. I have all the creative control I want. So far the movie is absolutely true to my vision, I have a director I believe in, an A-List crew and actors playing me and my friends that I couldn't be happier with.
But still--the movie isn't mine anymore. I'm not directing it. I'm not acting in it. It may be my life, it may be my creation, it may be my will that brought this into being, it may be my creative vision that drives and defines this...but it's not mine anymore.
Over the past week, I've watched Jesse become Drew. Geoff was Dan the moment he walked into the audition. Matt Czuchry had the hardest time because he had to deal with the real Tucker being not only in the room, but a big voice in the room. And to his credit, he stood up to me and took "Tucker Max" away from me. The character isn't me anymore. Matt is making it something bigger, something better, something that is beyond who I am in real life.
Don't misunderstand: This is what HAS to happen in order for this movie to work. If the "Tucker Max" in this movie is confined to what I am in real life or in the stories, it won't work anywhere near as well than if Matt can take the character into new and fresh places.
I had two choices--be small, petty, and controlling, keep this character as me and refuse to let the other artists on this movie breathe their ideas into mine; or, I could take what I created, pick the best people I could find to help me make it real (starting with Nils all the way through), explain to them everything I could about what it should be, and then get out of their way.
It's the choice between failure and success. I chose to keep my pride and demand granular control my first two times around the block in Hollywood, and I failed because of it.
This time, I swallowed my pride and set my art free.
I know I made the right choice, but still...it hurts, and it makes me anxious. It's moved out of my hands, now it's in the hands of the director and the actors. From this point forward, it's my job to help them do the best job, not to do it for them. Especially for someone who has spent his whole life being in charge, this is not easy to handle.
That loss of control makes me a bit anxious, but I think I can deal with it. I trust everyone to do their job, so it's manageable. The other emotion I am dealing with is, well, sadness.
I don't think for a minute that this movie is going to be anything but a massive, genre-defining hit. I think we are going to knock this out of the park, it's going to be huge, we're all going to get rich and make a bunch of awesome sequels, and everyone associated with it will always look back on this as being a landmark time in their life, both financially and creatively.
And while this is obviously the outcome I desperately wish for, success for me won't be all sunshine and kittens. Because for me, success is going to mean something different than it will for anyone else:
If I get my wish...I'm never going to be Tucker Max again.
I can see exactly how this is going to play out. Matt is going to nail this role to the wall. His amazing performance is going to rocket him to the top of the A-List, and he'll be one of the hottest actor celebs in America (he'll deserve it). And because at least 80% of the people who see this movie won't have any idea it is anything other than a movie, and won't know about the book or the website or me, to them, Matt Czuchry will be Tucker Max. Everything they know and think about Tucker Max will be through the lens of Matt's performance.
But more importantly, once Matt steps in front of the camera as "Tucker Max," then that name no longer really belongs to me. It now belongs to the character that Matt plays in the movie. Yeah, it's based on my life, and yeah, Nils and I wrote every single word in the script, but it's not my life, and it's not really my story anymore. Once we create it, it becomes art that is distinct from me as a person. And even if you create the art, once you put it out to the world, you don't really own it anymore. It belongs, at least in some sense, to everyone.
I've thought a lot about this. This is such a weird position to be in--if I fail, then I keep my identity. It'll be tarnished, but it'll still be me. But if I get my wish, then pretty much all of my public identity gets co-opted by someone and something else. It goes into the creative ether, never to return to me.
I don't really even know how to process this. It's my name. It's my life. It's my book. It's my script. But it's not me. This is so far beyond my realm of experience, I don't even know what to think about it.
I don't even know why I am vaguely sad about this. You know what it is? It's the sort of sadness that comes when you finish a long, compelling, awesome book that you don't want to end. Even though you know it has to finish, even though of part of you wants to get to the end to see what happens, another part of you wishes you could stay in that world forever.
But you can't. Everything eventually ends.
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Yesterday we had the Cast and Crew Kickoff party. Everyone from the greenest PA to the fanicest actor was invited, and we ended up having a great time. During the party, some of the experienced people gave their thoughts on how this project has been different than other ones they've worked on. Here's the video:
Also, a bunch of new pics, some from the party, and also some from rehearsal.
BTW, the hot girl in this pic behind Keri Lynn Pratt (who is also hot, but I already know her) is Stacy Kiebler, Geoff Stults girlfriend, who I met for the first time yesterday. I knew she was hot from the pics I'd seen, but goddamn. Seeing her in person just makes me hate him that much more.
And though I didn't spend a whole lot of time talking to her, she seems about as cool and nice as any girl I've ever met. This is almost weird--every woman we have working on this movie so far is like, a really great person. I can't remember a time in my life ever I was surrounded with so many girls who were so cool, and this is on a Hollywood movie, pretty much the last place you'd ever think you'd find great woman. It's almost enough to make me wish I had a girlfriend.
Almost.
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Yesterday we shot a music video for the movie (not for MTV; it'll make sense when you see the movie) and did the camera and light test. Enough of the words, let's go to the pics:
The camera test:
The cast, together, in costume:
Tucker:
Drew:
Dan:
Here are the pics of the camera test
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My name is Matt Czuchry. I will be getting excessively drunk, disregarding social norms, indulging every whim, ignoring the consequences of my actions, mocking idiots and posers, sleeping with more women than is safe or reasonable, and just generally acting like a raging dickhead...in the movie...as Tucker Max.
Below is an e-mail exchange between Tucker and I that explains exactly why I wanted to be a part of this movie.
EMAIL FROM REAL TUCKER TO MOVIE TUCKER:
Occurred---May 2008
Written---May 2008
Matt,
I just realized that in all the excitement after your read and closing financing, I forgot to congratulate you on your read. I have watched that video like 10 times, and you nailed it man. Even my friends from law school are like, "That dude is a better you than you." I am really excited to see how you inhabit this character and grow into the role and make it your own. You're gonna fucking do awesome man.
Dear Tucker,Thank you for your e-mail. I'm grateful.
What I love about my job, what I strive for in my job, is to connect and inspire others through storytelling. With this project, there is absolutely no one else in the world that I want to inspire more than you.
This project is your experiences, your words, your character, your life, and I want to be a vessel for your storytelling. If I connect to others in the way that you desire, in the way that you envision, then I know that I have done my job to the best of my talents and capability.
You watching the video 10 times is a beautiful indicator that we are on the right track together and it is also the highest compliment I could ever receive. Thank you so very much for sharing that with me.
Having now met you, I understand how to bring this character from the page to the screen. As an actor, it is an incredible asset and gift for me to have you as the writer, and as the character who has lived these experiences. I can sit here and bore you with all the technical and inner workings of how my preparation as an actor will result in me being successful in this role and in telling your vision... but, most importantly, and simply, I just get you man. I get you. And because I get you, I have the ultimate confidence that my choices, that what I bring to this project, will indeed be your voice personified.
What I admire most about you, in the limited time that we have had together, is that you view the world through your own personal looking glass. You place no limitations on your dreams, your desires, seeing only freedom in your life experiences. You move forward always in life with the ultimate belief in yourself, not listening to obstacles placed in your way. And this view of the world creates an amazing infectious energy. An energy that I want to be a part of and share with others.
I too strive for freedom in all aspects of my life. My hope is that our dreams, each of our lives, can connect to create something that blows our minds. That our creativity together, that our life's work, that our view of the world, can unite to exceed all our individual expectations. That all the work, drive, and passion adds up to a living breathing thing that exceeds all of our wildest hopes and dreams.
~Matt
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This is a video series that has Nils and I talking about screenwriting and the script of the movie. I have written about a lot of this already, but who reads anymore, right?
#1:
#2:
#3:
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It's becoming clear to me that he is going to do his best to dodge me, but thankfully there are others out there who share my desire to get this fight going. 91x in San Diego had Michael on to promote his book, and they brought me on with him.
You can hear it here (I come on after like three minutes, but the set-up is good)
And for the record, I would just like to say that Michael Ian Black is much funnier than me. I would never have a comedy fight with him, he'd stomp me. I still want to kick his ass, but I won't hurt his sense of humor, I promise.
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I'm not going to start answering all the great questions people have been sending in yet (or the bad ones), because I'm pretty certain we're going to be doing that in video form, but I wanted to get the ball rolling and introduce myself and whatnot:
I'm Jesse Bradford, and I'll be your Drew (the character based on Slingblade from Tucker's book) for the duration of this production.
Here's a verbatim e-mail I sent Tucker after our first meeting, and after having read "Everyone Has 'That' Friend." I tried to write it partially in Slingblade's voice, and I though some people might find it interesting:
Hey man,It's Jesse Bradford. I'm not convinced this message will make it to you, so I'll keep it brief.
My folks have been in town, so I haven't had a ton of time for reading. But, in an effort to better understand the ever intriguing, yet mildly abhorrent Aaron character, I read your Slingblade story. I loved it, and it illuminated all kinds of other shit about him for me. By the end of the first page, I found myself having to give in to one of my own obsessive holdovers from college, and began marking up the pages where I wanted to remember things. I did so lightly, and in pencil, in case you guys don't give me the job, and I'm forced to Fed-ex the book back to you, smeared in feces. (Wouldn't want those pencil markings to suggest I actually gave a shit.)
Anyway, my Dad used to repair my WRBS Joes with plain old rubber-bands. If attached too loosely, the illusion of a sort of "drunken scoliosis" would forever mar your previously bad-ass joe. But, we were poor, and my Dad was handy, so usually it was better than having a Joe that looked like a magicians assistant. Feel free to pass this tip on to Slingblade.
Oddly, Slingblade and I have a big thing in common: major heartbreak, in high-school, at the hands of a treacherous, and black-hearted harpy. My sob story, is that she was my first love, and she hooked up with my, then, BEST FRIEND while I was half way around the globe. This double whammy fucked me up for a long time, though never to the point of shitting in a toilet tank. (If we end up working together, however, remind me to tell you a story about French "politeness," mounds of dog shit, and sweet, sweet, revenge.)
So, I think I get where he's coming from. His insecurities are easy to relate to. His willingness to sacrifice decorum and pleasantries to combat boredom is brave and hilarious. His strong stance on what is right and wrong is something I shared with him all my life. Until about two years ago when I decided that's utter BULLSHIT. And his lack of tolerance for stupid chicks is...well, admirable actually, cause I usually find myself pandering to that sort of thing, sinking to the lowest common denominator,
in the interest of ass.Judging from the story, I get the feeling you can relate to that one...
Take care man,
JB
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We went to Dallas this weekend, and I am way too busy with a four hour production meeting about to start right now to post about it, so instead I am going to steal my assistant's blog post about it (posted below). He only left out two funny incidents:
1. This one girl came up to Geoff, who had been only talking to guys, and this one lesbian (I guess because he has a girlfriend or something), and asked:
Girl "So, I have this gay friend...uh, do you like girls or guys?"
Geoff "Depends. Which one are you?"
Heartbroken, she was.
2. This other girl came up and asked us if she could be in the movie. Jokingly, I said:
Tucker "I'm having eight inch casting sessions in my room later tonight. Ask my assistant if I can fit you in."
Matt "Eight inches? Are we both going to fuck her?"
Anyway, here is what this assistant wrote about the weekend:
"Saturday morning after our 9AM rehearsal myself, Tucker, Jesse, Matt, Geoff and Tucker's special forces friend "Thomas" hopped in the production's rental van and headed for Dallas. The general idea behind this trip was for the three male leads to bond and for Czuchry to be able observe Tucker in his natural habitat (i.e. drunk and hitting on women). So after rehearsals Saturday morning, I found myself behind the wheel heading towards Texas.
Our first stop was for brews- and Tucker did not hesitate to ensure that the boys were good and sauced well before we crossed the state line. We pulled into the hotel (The Joule for anyone who cares) and I was immediately stunned at how elegant the place was. Pool jutting out from the 10th floor, service left and right- all in all one of the nicest, if not the nicest hotel I've every stayed in. Sidenote: When we were checking in Tucker informed me that because there was only 5 rooms and 6 of us, the person who did not hook up would sleep in the van. This was particularly devastating news to me given that I was traveling with: 3 legitimate celebrities, the premiere internet celebrity who specializes in random hookups and a special forces guy who was apparently as good if not better at attracting hotties as Tucker. Chances of a Greg hookup were about as likely as a Tucker Max bible reading.
Luckily for me, Tucker ended up getting six rooms which ensured that I'd have a super expensive bed to sleep in. So we headed up to our rooms, dropped our bags and headed to the pool. Geoff had arranged with some Dallas friends to have hot girls at the pool and he delivered. It honestly looked like a mini-sode of Entourage. I distinctly remember thinking to myself "I don't belong here." Anyway, I stayed for a few hours listening to Thomas tell stories about sneak attacks against terrorists in Iraq. Ended up bumming Jesse a swimsuit because he drunkenly lost his in Florida and watched Czuchry watch Tucker hit on women- which was actually very interesting. I tried my best to stay out of sight and out of mind as this really was not my trip and as I've come to realize, when you're with Tucker it is the Tucker Max show- you're just a viewer.
One of the more memorable moments came later in the evening when I saddled up to the bar and had a drink with our whole crew. The bar was empty and the discussion was drifting to the sort of serious dialogue that only comes when your with people who have had enough drinks to not know any better. We touched on scientology, religion, atheism- concrete tangible discussion. A conversation any group of intelligent guys could have on any given night after a few drinks.
As the sun set on the rooftop pool overlooking downtown Dallas, it struck me how surreal a moment this was. Across from me was Tucker Max, my boss, who until about two months ago was a mythical author my buddies and I quoted when we were drunk. To my right was Jesse, a guy I'd seen on my living room TV constantly due to having two younger sisters and a little movie called Bring It On. Further down were Geoff and Czuchry. Two guys who had singlehandedly re-defined for me my presumptions about actors. In fact, the principal leads on this film are stunningly down to earth, genuine and kind. I imagine that I'm going to be sorely disappointed when I get on board my next film as these guys have set the bar incredibly high. And of course Thomas sat furthest down, throwing drinks down and laughing, yelling and arguing all at once about everything and nothing. His outgoing attitude gave no indication that in a few months he was shipping out to the Middle East. And here I was in the midst of it all- a guy who three months ago was studying for a management final.
One more small example: As the discussion was winding down and everyone was trying to get in their two cents, Geoff held up his hands and pointed at me, "I want to hear what Greg has to say."
This sort of thing may seem stupid and petty, but to someone who is SO used to the superficial bullshit that permeates the L.A. scene it was unbelievably refreshing to be around genuine celebrities who have found ways to remain grounded.
Eventually Tucker was drawn away from the conversation by pretty much the only thing that draws Tucker away from intelligent discourse: girls. Some Dallas chick showed up and Tucker took off real fast. The rest of us took a cue from him and re-grouped for the night ahead.
Our first bar was right up my alley. Music was loud, but not super annoying. Girls were hot and down to earth (some were trashed and making out- I believe I took a photo of this), pool room in the back, decent drink prices and all of us had a table to ourselves. I did the majority of my photo work here. Czuchry found ample opportunity to flex his Tucker-honed flirtacious muscle. And Thomas decided it was a good idea to teach the actors the most painful pressure points on the body. I wisely stayed away from his demonstrations. A good time was had by all and once again we found Tucker with another "friend" and on a decidedly different path than the rest of us. (i.e. another girl)
So we headed out to another bar, sans Tucker, the name of which was Barcadia I think. At this point the locals were getting a bit weary of my constant photographing- so I was spared the constant photo setup. This was great because oddly enough a random comment thrown at me was banging around in my head. At the previous bar three seperate girls had asked me if I was a paparazzi. Ouch.
We spent the remainder of the night encountering the following: a 22 year old virgin getting engaged and fighting off the urge to laugh at Czuchry's jokes, a 19 year old's bachelorette party at a random Italian restaurant, 2:20AM pizza and Jesse fielding a request to help a dude find a strip club, oh and Thomas almost being hit by a car due to severe intoxication. I was a tired dude by the time I hit the sack.
The next morning we saddled up and headed home. First however, Jesse had to stop and get his damn iPhone fixed and of course of all the days Jesse picked to get his phone fixed it had to be the day that the stupid 3G was released. Luckily Jesse's charms allowed us to avoid the massive nerd line that went around the whole goddamn block. You should have soon the defeated looks of hundreds of people when the Apple store sold out of the black model. Apparently, the color white is so last year. Also, check out the photo of the blonde chick working at the Apple store- she nearly fainted when she realized "Logan" from Gilmore Girls was standing next to her.
After the brief pit stop we were back on the road headed towards Shreveport. About an hour in we stopped for gas only to realize that I had missed a sign for the 20 East freeway and now was headed towards Arkansas. Predictably Tucker was pissed and I was a bit embarrassed. After consulting google maps Tucker declared that we would need to travel through the backroads to get onto the 20. As we headed deeper into farm country, Jesse brought out his guitar and began quietly playing some old classic rock licks. The guitar had a soothing effect that put everyone in the car in a quiet, contemplative mood. We passed farm house after farm house, truck after truck, field after field with only Jesse's guitar and the occasional comment here or there breaking the silence.
Slowly but surely the conversations picked up again and the guys started getting back in the groove of bagging on eachother, telling stories about the Playboy mansion and laughing. But for a few moments it became clear to me that these guys had bonded. You certainly can't put a price on that sort of honesty on screen. And for all of my struggling and doubts I'm happy to be a part of a cast and crew that their heads and hearts in the right spot."
The pics from the trip are all on the Flickr account.
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Michael Ian Black called me out.
Michael accepted, and then called me out more. Lots of places picked up the story; MediaBistro, FilmDrunk, Gawker, Fark, GorillaMask, etc. Everyone has their take on it, talking about PR this and funny guy that...but I think most people are missing the real issue here:
I AM DEAD FUCKING SERIOUS. I want to fight Michael Ian Black.
THAT'S why I offered one of my royalty checks--I REALLY want to fight him, and I thought the chance of him taking 150k+ from me would be enough incentive to actually get him in the ring.
But make no mistake about it: This is not about PR for me. I don't want a lame "charity" fight. I don't want a bullshit celebrity fight. No headgear, no poofy 18 ounce gloves. I want to go to a bar, pound a case of beer, drag that wispy little hipster doofus into the alley, beat him like he's Dave Pelzner, talk a bunch of shit to him as he bleeds into the gutter (for the fans), and then go back in the bar and find some girl to fuck. You know, an average Tuesday.
It's not personal. Like I said, I respect him and I like his comedy, and I know this started as a PR stunt to promote his book. But I want to finish it on his skull.
Michael: Stop posting goofy pics. Stop hiding behind your wife and agent. Stop stalling. It's time to shit or get off the pot. You have my email. Let's set this up. You want PR? Well, then step up, take your whoopin, and get it.
And by the way, Michael, my book is still #1 on Amazon.
Bitch.
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More video, this time Geoff Stults and Nils Parker discuss their thoughts on rehearsal.
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The videos are proving to be pretty popular with people, so we are going to start soliciting questions to ask the actors and director.
Either post your questions here, or email them. We'll take the best, ask the actors and directors, and then post the videos.
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This doesn't really have anything to do with the movie, but I am going to put it here anyway.
If you have been paying any attention at all to popular culture for the past decade, I am sure you know who Michael Ian Black is. If the name doesn't ring a bell, you almost certainly recognize his face, he is the only commentator on all those VH1 flashback shows who is actually funny, instead of just annoying.
Anyway, Michael has a new book out, and as a way to publicize it, he has challenged me to a fistfight. Here is what he said:
So Tucker Max, you drunk, misogynistic motherfucker - I am officially calling you OUT! I am going to fist fuck every hole in your boozy little body until you crawl away like the sniveling little bitch that you are. YOU'RE DEAD!
You can read the rest on his blog.
Michael, I have no problem helping you get the word out about your book (which I haven't read but hear is pretty funny). But there is price to pay for trying to publicize it on the back of my books popularity:
I accept.
I'm completely serious. I'd LOVE to fight you.
I'll even promise to show up drunk as shit. I'll drink an unreasonable amount of alcohol before we fight--20 beers, 30 beers, whatever it takes to me plastered. And if you don't think I'm drunk enough, I'll keep drinking. As long as I am conscious and able to stand on my feet, I'll fight you.
And here's the kicker:
If you beat me, I'll give you the next royalty check from my book.
It should be about 150k, give or take agent fees and other things. I am completely serious.
We don't even have to make this a bet. You win, you get the money. I win, I get nothing (except the satisfaction of standing over your broken, bleeding body and drunkenly yelling at you, "GET UP YOU FUCKING PUSSY! GET UP AND FIGHT!," or something to that effect, since I'll be drunk I can't quite predict what my words will be, or that they will even be enunciated or understandable).
Email me and let's set the time and place: tuckermax@gmail.com
And just to be clear: This isn't personal. I think you are a funny comedian, and I really respect your work. I'd much rather kick the shit out of someone who deserves it, like Benji Madden or Brody Jenner. To that effect, I promise when I kick your ass, I'll do my best not to leave any permanent damage.
EDIT: He responded. I could not be more excited about this. OK, I am still more excited about my movie, but this is a close second. But I can't get too excited, because there is a 99.99% chance that he backs down. No way he has the balls to actually fight me for real. I assume that he is kidding about this. I am not at all. Once he realizes I am completely serious and that this means he is going to get punched in the face, I doubt he'll be as eager as he is now. We'll see, I guess.
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