I Hope They Serve Beer In Hell

If you haven’t seen this yet, you really need to, because it is both hilariously awesome, and absolutely offensive: Apparently, some people think my movie promotes rape.

I knew this was coming, and I was ready for it, but I am still a little bit shocked at how patronizing, out of touch, and ridiculous these “protesters” are. Check out some of the quotes (italics are mine):

“Johnson said though no one at Monday’s meeting had seen the movie, and only one counselor attending the meeting had read Max’s book that inspired the movie, the postings on his blog and the trailer for the movie were enough for the Center to know that the movie would be offensive.”

“It didnt even occur to me that there was anybody out there like [Max.]“

“We became aware of the extremity of the offensiveness Thursday morning,” Johnson said.

“Johnson said the trailer contains sexist and racist phrases–phrases she says are intended to dehumanize and perpetuate a rape culture.”

“Max’s book is filled mostly with stories of him and his exploits with women, some of which, according to Grimmett and Johnson, would be considered felonious acts under North Carolina law.”

“Since we couldn’t cancel it we wanted to give [students] the opportunity to know first-hand what they’re walking into,” Grimmett said. “My fear was that you’ll have students that go to this even if they think they know the extent [of the offensiveness] and realize that he’s talking about acts that mean the definition of rape. We want them to know that there’s a community at N.C. State that doesn’t support this person and what he does.”

I have had to deal with this ridiculous bullshit before, most recently during my speech at Ohio State. For the most part I just laugh and brush this shit off, because come on–this is so preposterous on it’s face it doesn’t even require an answer. In some ways, I don’t even know what the fuck they are talking about. What the fuck does promoting a “Rape Culture” even mean? Is that like if I talk up Boy George’s prison band?

But when Fox News picks up this bullshit and runs it front page with the caption, “Promoting Rape,” it’s no longer a joke. I can deal with people hating me or lying about me personally, but when it moves beyond me and starts to impact other people and threaten the work everyone else has done on the movie, it can no longer be ignored. This bullshit stops here and now. My response:

1. Do not call me a rapist: I am putting the professional media on notice; if you call me a rapist, or print anything resembling that accusation, I will sue you for libel, and I will win. Calling someone a rapist is an accusation of fact, and since I have never in my life forced myself on any woman in any way nor been accused of rape by anyone, to say that I have is libelous and you will end up paying me money. If you want to insult me personally, if you want to call me an asshole or a dickhead or make any other subjective assessment of my character (see e.g., everything Gawker has ever written about me)–that’s fine with me, just spell my name right. I don’t really even care if you lie about me, with the exception of THAT lie. Rape is not a joke, it is a serious and awful crime, I take it very seriously, and I will not tolerate that lie being spread about me.

2. The ones accusing me of promoting rape are hurting real rape victims: There is a reason that the Jewish community gets so upset when the word “Holocaust” is used as a casual analogy. It’s because these comparisons as hyberbolic efforts cheapen the suffering of the victims of the real Holocaust. The same thing is at play here: Rape is an awful and very serious crime, and sadly, still an issue in our society. By throwing that word around and using me and my movie to try to get attention to their cause, these protesters are cheapening and devaluing the awfulness of actual, real rape. This is fucking bullshit. If you care about rape, you should spend time helping rape victims and working to improve legislation and enforcement of real sexual assault crimes–not wasting time using me to get attention.

3. The protesters are more anti-woman than I am: Think about this for a minute: The protesters have such low regard for the intelligence and maturity of women that, instead of reading my book, watching my movie and then making reasoned arguments in support of their position, they skipped the whole “know what you are talking about” part and instead tried to prevent women from seeing my movie.

Think about that for a minute: They tried to ban women from seeing my movie, because they don’t trust women will have the “right” opinion of me. This is 2009, not 1959. A woman does not need a man (or another woman) to take care of her. Her place is not in the kitchen anymore. It’s wherever the hell she wants it to be, up to and including going to an “offensive” movie. And these protesters’ patronizing unwillingness to accept that she is mature enough to make that decision is un-American at it’s core. Ladies, if I were you, I would be madder than me about this.

4. I love women: This should be obvious, but I will say it anyway: I love women. Women are the reason I get out of bed in the morning. My god, is it not obvious that EVERYTHING I DO is to impress women? Shit, if I didn’t care what woman thought about me, I don’t think I’d ever leave my house. I’d just lay in bed, masturbating, drinking beer and playing Halo. But I do care. I care because women are awesome, being around women and with women is what makes life worth living.

You want proof of this? SEE THE MOVIE! I know this will shock some of you, but the two strongest, smartest characters in my movie are the characters played by Keri Lynn Pratt and Marika Dominczyk. Do you really think these actresses, both very smart and mature and professionally accomplished, would have worked with me, if they thought I hated women? Fuck no. In fact, Keri Lynn Pratt is coming to Raleigh to support me and this movie AGAINST the protesters.

And guess what? Women love me. Half my fans are women. Want proof? Look at the pictures from ANY of the premieres we’ve had so far: There are MORE women than men in those pics. Or check out the reactions on Twitter or on my Facebook fan page. If I am so misogynistic, if I hate women, if I need to be banned from women–why do so many women love my book, my movie, and me? Why do they seek me out?

I’ll tell you why:

5. “The bums lost”: I have sold 1 million books. My book has been on the NY Times Best Seller List for over three years. I was nominated to Time Magazine’s 100 Most Influential List precisely because I am so well known in younger age groups…yet, these protesters, who WORK on a college campus, have never heard of me? You know why? They are completely out of touch with reality and with culture. That is why they think that a woman who has had a drink cannot consent to sex. That is why they think women cannot decide for themselves what to read or watch. That is why they don’t know that half my fans are women.

Here, protesters, let me help you people out:

Wake up and look around. The world has passed you by. I am more mainstream than you. Your definition of rape–that having a drink precludes anyone from giving consent to sex–is bullshit. Your ideas about culture and drinking and life are bankrupt. No one agrees with you. There is a reason I have sold a million books and can sell out a movie premiere tour, and you can’t even fill a classroom: Because more people agree with me than you. I can’t say it better than one of my favorite movies ever:

“Your revolution is over, Mr. Lebowski. Condolences. The bums lost. My advice is to do what your parents did; get a job, sir. The bums will always lose.”

To my fans: I know you guys all know this, and I’m sorry this wasn’t a funny blog post. For the most part the haters and liars are funny, but this time, they crossed the line, and I had to come at them with a serious post. I promise though, the Raleigh premiere will be just as fun and hilarious as the rest have been, and there will be 25+ more days of hilarious blog posts coming.

EDIT #1: Just got this email:

“Hi. I emailed you a while back about your trip to Lawrence and how stoked I am to meet you! I read your newest blog and I want to let you know that I actually work at a rape crisis center. I have been actively involved in the prevention of sexual violence for the past 7 years. I’m a 23 year old, extremely feminine, sorority alum who is 100 percent for the empowerment of women. I’m extremely passionate about the cause of sexual violence prevention. I want you to know that I have always and will continue to always support you. Thank you for your most recent post. Thank you for flat out typing I AM NOT A RAPIST. I’ve spent countless hours defending you to people and defending why I choose to embrace your hilarious stories… it’s for one reason and one reason alone (besides the fact that you’re a phenomenal writer)- CONSENT!!! You have always had consent! These crazy protesters are simply people who don’t grasp the true reality of the world, but I want you to know that not all pro-active women fighting this crime are against you.

BTW: Here are the videos from the Ohio State speech I talked about earlier: