I Hope They Serve Beer In Hell

No matter what else happens on this tour, with this movie, or in my life, I don’t care. I can die happy, because last night I did what no other Kentuckian has done in years: I scored at Ben Hill Griffin Stadium, aka The Swamp.

I mean this literally. I snuck in to the stadium, with a girl, and fucked her on the goal line of the south end zone. Right below the goal posts, underneath the national championship signs.

If this gets me in trouble, I don’t care. If the Gainesville PD puts out a warrant for my arrest for some bullshit misdemeanor, so be it, I will turn myself in and deal with it. If it means I get banned from UF, that would suck, but those are consequences I have to live with. No matter what happens, it will all be worth it, because now, every time I watch UF play, even though goddamn Tim Tebow may be unstoppable, even though UF has more team speed than a pack of cheetahs and destroys my beloved Wildcats every year, I know that they have to cross the place where I had sex with a girl to do it.

To every other team in the SEC: You are welcome to bask in the glow of this score also, because it will probably be the only one any of us get on UF this year. And to the UF people: I’m sorry, I still love you guys, I really do, but it had to be done. Might as well be me And of course I have pics, because without those, I know the butthurt Gators would try to call BS:

The rest of the pictures are here.

There is no possible way to follow that, but I will still give you the highlights of the rest of the night. These are from before the premiere, when we were getting the crowd to tell their stories:

Guy: “Me and my buddy tag-teamed a girl in the back of a hearse, and…”
Tucker: “So you’re gay?”
Nils: “Wait, you Eiffel-towered a girl in a hearse?”
Tucker: “That actually is kinda impressive. Give him a shirt or something.”
Nils: “We don’t have Valtrex here so we’re just going to give you this beer pong kit instead.”
Tucker: “I think he wants champagne and mood light for his boyfriend.”

-Some guy told a story about hooking up with a three-fingered waitress. He ended it by telling us that at the 2006 book signing in Tallahassee, you gave her your number:

Guy: “She said, ‘Tucker thought I was cute and so he gave me his number.’”
Tucker: “No. I told her she was cute for an amputee. THAT is why she got my number.”

-Some guy told an extremely long-winded story:

Tucker: “I’ve been drinking for like 30 straight days and can tell a better story just by farting. Somebody start a slow clap.”
Guy: “[Still dragging along] and there I was in the airport, getting arrested with my pants around my ankles.”
Tucker: “Wait, what? You skipped over the best part! How did that happen?”
Guy: “In a minute.”
Tucker: “No, what’s the punch line?
Guy: “I crawled up into the baggage shoot and hooked up with a chick.”
Nils: “What are you, John McClain?  It took you 8 minutes to say you fucked a chick in a baggage claim!”
Tucker: “John McClain! Fuck you, you fat fuck, you always get the best lines! Whatever, I’m still more famous!”
Bill: “You are telling me you fucked a girl on the baggage shoot in an airport?”
Guy: “Yeah, and when it turned on, we came out on the belt thing naked and fucking.”
Tucker: “Wow. He came out of the baggage shoot WHILE he was fucking her.  If I wrote about this or put it in the next movie, no one would believe me.”
Bill “Yeah, buddy, that happened…at the Narnia airport.”

-Another guy got the good part, quickly:

Dude: “I was fucking a girl on the back porch and was caught by her Amish father.”
Tucker: “You had sex with an Amish girl?  What did you say to pick her up, ‘I’ll churn your butter?’”
Nils: “He said he churns his own ball butter.”

-One guy, who seriously looked retarded, asked us for a beer:

Nils: “I’ll give you a beer, if you give me your extra chromosome.”

-EDIT #1: One of my good friends is a proud UF alum, and when I told him what we did, he sent this text to me:

-Here are all the Gainesville premiere pictures

-And the Gainesville video:

Previous Recaps and Videos:

Special Bonus: Tucker and Nils Q&A, part 2

Premiere #6: Gainesville [Tucker's recap] [Video recap]

Premiere #5: Tallahasse [Tucker's recap] [Video recap]

Special Bonus: Tucker and Nils Q&A, part 1

Premiere #4: Athens [Tucker's recap] [Video recap]

Premiere #3: Atlanta [Tucker's recap] [Video recap]

Premiere #2: Seattle [Tucker's recap] [Video recap]