I Hope They Serve Beer In Hell

Good old Tallahassee. Nils and I spent an awesome drunk Labor Day weekend here in 2005, where we sat ten rows up in the endzone and witnessed the goal line stand that beat Miami, and every other time I’ve come I’ve had fun.

This stop was no different, especially because Nils and I switched up the schedule a bit. Instead of waiting until the Q&A to interact with the crowd, we decided to get on the mics and talk to people before the screening, and it went great. We are going to do this for the rest of the tour. So many great jokes:

-Some dude was rambling on, telling us a crappy story:

Tucker “Your story is like FSU football: Going nowhere.”

-This one super creeper dude started telling a story about a girl puking on him. I wasn’t buying it:

Tucker “Hold on. Show me any girl that has hooked up with you. Forget this girl who threw up on your dick–I just want to see ANY girl who would hook up with you.”
Nils “He has to dig them up from under his house first.”

-This black guy stood up to tell a story. Super nice guy, but he was the only black dude in the theater, so of course, we HAD to bust on him a little bit about this:

Nils “It’s Token!”
Tucker “His name is ‘Quota,’ not Token.”
Black guy “Do I have to stand for this?”
Tucker “Stand and Deliver my friend!”

So he stands up and starts telling a story that leads into this exchange:

Black guy “And then the cop cuffed me and the next thing I know, I blacked out and…”
Nils “Woke up in the bottom of a ship?”

I seriously lost it at that point. I had to bend over, because I thought I was going to wet my pants I was laughing so hard. And we didn’t stop with this; when he came up to get his poster signed, Nils told him, “You only get 3/5’s of a poster.” So funny. Thankfully, the guy was cool as fuck and thought it was as funny as we did.

-This one dude started telling a story, which he prefaced by saying that he wasn’t dumb because he went to Elon College.

Elon Guy “So I just got done breaking up with my girlfriend who is this prudent bitch, and–”
Nils “Prudent?”
Tucker “Like, she was careful about things? And that somehow makes her a bitch?”
Elon Guy “No, see, look, my friends see me bringing back a fat girl to my room to fuck, to get back at my ex-girlfriend, so to protect my image and stop them from seeing her, I grab a fire hydrant and swing it at them–”
Nils “A fire hydrant?”
Tucker “I think you mean a fire extinguisher, because I guarantee those chicken arms of yours are not waving a huge hunk of iron around.”
Nils “You have not used a single word correctly.”
Tucker “FSU kids, you now have a school you can confidently make fun of: Elon College.”
Nils “Instead of a t-shirt, let’s give him a dictionary.”
Tucker “Dude this is FSU, you’d have an easier time finding a virgin than a dictionary.”

-Here’s the thing: There WAS a virgin in the audience. She was an incoming freshman at FSU, and her and all her friends swore up and down she was a virgin and not only that, but she wanted to lose her virginity to me. That night. I gave her my number and told her to meet us out, and then got this text later that night:

“hey I just got home a little bit ago i’m kinda tired but were playing beer pong here…im still down to fuck and lose my v card…but i think you should come here ”

I couldn’t. I know the girl is of age and willing, but still…I just couldn’t. Some girls ask for things they don’t really understand, and that was the case here, so I had to be wise for her.

Ugh–what the fuck is this, compassion? Who am I?

-My favorite girl there was the one who told me that she doesn’t like Newcastle beer, because–and this is a real quote–it “tastes like grape juice.” I don’t even know what to say to that. She was also a Recreation and Leisure major. Recreation and Leisure. Is her major. Her friend was an Interior Design major:

Tucker “So your majors are Dressing Up, and Hanging Out?”
Girl “No, it’s a hard major. And you get to work for cool companies, like THE SUPER BOWL!”

I give up. You win FSU.

-The highlight of the night was watching Corman play beer pong, then see him flip the puke switch, run towards the bathroom with his hands covering his mouth to hold in the puke. But it was like putting a piece of card board up to a firehose–everything came out the side, puke everywhere. He waddled back five minutes later, no recognition at all that he’s puked, then whipped everyone in beer pong. With a hot girl as a partner no less. That’s my boy.

-Actually, the funniest part of AJ’s might have been these two dudes who came up to my table, drunk as shit, and said, “You are supposed to be some player right, but these girls at your table are fat.” I just started laughing, because, aside from being pretty hot, the only thing fat on the two girls next to me were their tits. The one girl dealt with the situation perfectly though, “Uh, you need to leave. You are such a loser even we wouldn’t fuck you.” Ouch. I think they may have even left the bar after that.

-After maybe an hour or two there, I’d had enough, and I didn’t want to deal with the whole “who am I going back to my hotel with” shit show that inevitably develops in situations where there is more than one girl sweating me, so I developed a novel solution: I told three different girls to call a cab, wait outside for it, and text me once they were there inside of the cab. First one wins. It worked great–twenty minutes later I was back in my hotel with a very eager girl. I may have to try this again.

-And just for the record: I am getting fucking fed up with Charlie Hoehn. Not because he is doing bad at his job–far from it, in fact, he, Greg Kissner and Bill Dawes are fucking killing it with the premiere videos (check them out here). No, I am sick of him because I keep getting texts from girls like this, “Hey can you set the photo guy Charlie up with my friend Jessica?” or emails like this, “…and speaking of the tour staff: the dude taking pictures before the doors opened? One of the top ten hottest guys I’ve seen in my 24 years of life. So for the ladies reading this (and gay guys, I guess), a little bit of eye candy to look out for.” Charlie, your job is hanging by a thread–you’d better find a way to stop getting attention stat. Ugly up or something.

-The girl Dawes hooked up with was so drunk, or just retarded, that when they were fooling around, she started incorporating what was on TV. Seriously, as Sportscenter was playing, they were making out she started doing this:

“Oh jesus, oh my god, long fly ball.”

“Uh, uh, uh, home equity loan.”

“Harder, harder…3rd and 16 from the 20.”

Dawes was so weirded out and confused he stopped and went to bed. Awesome.

-By the way, if you missed the Athens Premiere video, stop what you are doing right now and go watch it. It is fucking hilarious, and then these awesome motivation posters/lolcats pics will be even that much funnier:

-The rest of the Tallahassee Premiere pics are here

-The Tallahasse Premiere video:

Previous Recaps and Videos:

Premiere #5: Tallahasse [Tucker's recap] [Video recap]

Special Bonus: Tucker and Nils Q&A, part 1

Premiere #4: Athens [Tucker's recap] [Video recap]

Premiere #3: Atlanta [Tucker's recap] [Video recap]

Premiere #2: Seattle [Tucker's recap] [Video recap]