I Hope They Serve Beer In Hell

Every time we go to Athens Georgia, Nils and I have a great time, and this was no different. Fun crowd, cool people, and everyone loved the movie. I have promised a story about one of the ten craziest girls I have ever met in my life, and it’s coming. First,the highlights:

-Pictures from the Athens premiere.

-The Athens reaction video–trust me, you need to watch this, it is fucking hilarious:

-Here is the Q&A from the first two stops:

-This didn’t make the video because of sound issues, but Dawes went into the CVS to fuck with them:

Bill “Does this cold sore cream work on all herpes?”
Manager “You can’t film in here.”
Bill “So it does work on genital herpes?”
Manager “Yeah, it work good.”

-That night in the hotel after everything was over, Ben Corman was hammered on whiskey and walked by three black girls in the lobby. He is a nice dude and stopped to chat with them:

Ben “Where are you ladies from?”
Girl “Wisconsin.”
Ben “Really? Wow. Are you the only black people in Wisconsin.”
Girl “What!?!? You stay right here boy, I’m going to get my friends.”
Ben “Uh oh.”

He quickly made his way back to the hotel room and came in looking stressed and nervous.

Jeff “Ben, what happened.”
Ben “Not sure. I think a posse may come to kill me. Let’s not answer the door tonight.”

-One girl at the premiere made it abundantly clear that she wanted to fuck me. But aside from the obvious “Where are you drinking tonight,” and “Where is your hotel” lines, I knew this girl meant business by what she was wearing: A cheap cocktail dress, cut to barely cover her crotch, with an industrial grade zipper running down the entire front. It is not an easy thing to pull off such cheap tawdriness, but she did. Bravo.

-As some of you know, we have a Canadian working on the tour. Assuming that all Canadians know their beer, we sent him on a run, and what does he bring back? Something delicious like McAuslan? Or even something acceptable like Molson Canadian? Nope. The fucking retard gets Yuengling Light. Hey Canadians, what the fuck is that aboot?

-We did something at the Athens premiere that I think we are going to do more of: As we were waiting for everyone to get into the theater, we had a “Who has the best story contest?” One girl told us about how she was making out with a dude, thought he was a slobbery kisser, but looked down and realized she her nose was bleeding all over him. Another guy told us about how he thought he had to fart, but he shit himself by accident, and instead of showering, he just wiped up as much as he could and then doused himself with cologne. He walked around class all day, like eight hours with shit all over him. Welcome to Georgia. So if you have a good story and are coming to a premiere, get it ready. Winner gets a beer pong kit.

The Crazy Girl

Now what you have all been waiting for, the story of my night with the crazy girl. I end up back at my hotel in Atlanta, and four girls from the premiere come over to my room. I knew I was in for a notable night when the first girl whips this combination out to drink:

And the thing was, that’s exactly how she drank it–swig of the bottle of warm white grape vodka, swig of the fruit punch Capri Sun.

Tucker “You don’t even want a cup? Or ice?”
Girl “No, I like it this way. Reminds me of grade school.”

There were four girls, and the dynamic broke down in a pretty standard way for a mid-twenty something group: There was the hot and bitchy girl who was pissed because I wasn’t focusing my attention on her–she left early. There were the two cute girls who were normal and fun–I had a great time hanging out with them. And then there was The Nutjob.

She was a college cheerleader at a school known for it’s sloppy sluts, an Irish Catholic ginger, constantly loud and screaming over everyone in the room, and is an underachiever with a family full of overachievers. Anyone want to guess where this is going? Furthermore, she was the type of girl who said things like:

“I only fucked one guy in Europe, and that was only because he was a Marine and was going to die.”

Or my personal favorite:

“You should fuck me because then I’ll shit on your face and you’ll have a new story.”

These were not said with any irony.

One of the Cute Girls had a boyfriend so she didn’t want to hook up; that left me, the other Cute Girl and The Nutjob in play. As the night dwindled they kept making eyes at each other and then sneaking off to the bathroom to talk:

Tucker “What are you two commiserating about? Who gets to fuck me?”

They both gave a ‘We’ve been caught’ look.

Tucker “Jesus Christ. Look, this is not an issue. I’ll just fuck both of you. Hello, threesome?”

They hemmed and hawed about this, and I eventually got it out of them that they weren’t into threesomes. I was actually kinda relieved about this–I had no desire to fuck The Nutjob. I mean, I had been drinking and she was throwing herself at me, so of course I would have, but I much preferred to fuck the cute girl. She was a nice, calm, intelligent, normal girl, but she had that “I will fuck you raw” look in her eyes. She was a sleeper, and I like those girls.

[Aside to guys: I don't know where this idea came from that crazy girls fuck the best, but it is NOT true. I have fucked a TON of nutjobs, and while some are good in bed, just as many suck, and they bring a TON of issues with them that a nice, normal girls does not. In fact, the vast majority of the time, the "nice" girls are usually crazier and better in bed once you actually get them there. With experience, you'll figure this out.]

After the threesome idea was rejected, The Nutjob decided to force the issue and tell me I had to pick one. I told her I wanted to fuck her friend. She decided to ignore me, and went and crawled into my bed. Now, that is the absolute wrong play with me. Any girl who thinks she is going to strong arm me into fucking her has a lesson in life coming, and after being so fucking loud and annoying all night, this girl had gotten on my last nerve:

Tucker “Get the fuck out.”

The Nutjob “What?”

Tucker “I am not fucking you, I have no desire to fuck you, I am fucking your friend instead, so get out of my bed and my hotel room. Right now.”

Well, I had underestimated her narcissism, because she fucking lost it. I mean, the girl melted down like Chernobyl.

The Nutjob “What? WHAT!??!?! FUCK YOU YOU FUCKING PIECE OF SHIT! GO TO FUCKING HELL! COME ON [CUTE GIRL] WE ARE LEAVING!!?!”
Cute Girl “Uh no. I’m staying. You can just take a cab home.”
The Nutjob “WELL FUCK YOU THEN BITCH!! YOU ARE PICKING TUCKER MAX OVER ME!! FUCK YOU, YOU WHORE!!!”
Cute Girl “What is wrong with you? You were the one who told him to pick!”
The Nutjob “CUNT WHORE BITCH RAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRWWWWW.” [there was about 10 more minutes of meltdown dialogue, but you get the point]

I don’t know if I can adequately describe what happened next. It was like to the scene in Apocalypse Now, where Marin Sheen went nuts in the hotel room. She completely lost it. She picked up a bunch of beer bottles, tried to dump them on her friend, but they were empty. Then she knocked over everything on my desk, found a beer bottle with some beer in it, and sprayed it on me. She opened the door to the hotel room and went out in the hall, with Cute girl behind her:

Cute Girl “What are you doing? What is wrong with you?”
The Nutjob “FUCK YOU BITCH SLUT WHORE!!!”

Then she took one of the bottle and THREW IT as hard as she could, barely missing her friends face, and smashing it against the hotel room door. She fired it so hard it did not just break, it fucking ATOMIZED. There were pieces everywhere, and none of them were bigger than a quarter. During this whole episode, the cute girl with the boyfriend was in the hall on the phone, and turned around to The Nutjob storming at her.

The Nutjob “COME ON, WE ARE LEAVING FUCK THOSE SHIT WHORE CUNT FUCKS!!!!”
Cute Girl 2 “No. I am not going anywhere with you, you are crazy. I am tired of you acting like this.”

She left by herself, and send these texts to Cute Girls over the next hour:

“u fuck with my friends fuck u. u fuck with my ass…fuck you ur done!

“Ur like becky. cute but not hot. u gave up your friend for tucker max. congrats! hope ur happy with ur decision.”

“im fucking [bill] anyways thats why he doesn’t want to fuck you anymore.”

“i hope the bottle cuts you and you get herpes cunt.”

The next day, I wake up to this tweet in Charlie Hoehn’s feed:

We were talking about it later that day, and he told me:

“I was afraid. I have never heard anyone sound angrier in my life.”

Here’s the thing about that girl: I call her The Nutjob, but she’s not crazy, she is a malignant narcissist. You want proof? Check out the text she sent me the next day (after she read where I wrote she was a Top 10 crazy girl):

“Wow. the events that transpired last nite. u have every right to call me bat shit crazy. also i owe u an apology for being a psychotic bitch. sorry.”

Truly crazy people don’t realize they are crazy. The Nutjob knows what she did was wrong, but she probably has no idea why she did it or why she got so angry. Malignant Narcissism is why. You can see her narcissism play out just in all her texts: She blames her friend for the decision I made, that she forced on me no less, she wishes ill on her friend because she got something The Nutjob wanted, and she admits to fucking her friends ex-boyfriend behind her back. This is what happens when you confront a narcissist with a complete withdrawl of narcissist supply:

She disassociates. Because her sense of self is external and not internal, she can’t deal with a rejection like this–when all your validation comes from external sources, and those sources reject you, it destroys your sense of self. I joke about being a narcissist all the time, and no question I am very self-centered, but this girl–wow, she has real Narcissist Personality Disorder, and by not validating her self-image, I broke her emotionally, and the result is a pile of sand at my hotel room door.

Sad, yes.

But also really fucking funny.

If you weren’t actually in the hotel room with her.

Previous Recaps and Videos:

Premiere #3: Atlanta [Tucker's recap] [Video recap]

Premiere #2: Seattle [Tucker's recap] [Video recap]