I Hope They Serve Beer In Hell

I am exhausted, and it is fucking 7:30 in the morning and I have no idea why I am am up right now, but whatever: The Portland screening went great.

We made this the smallest screening on the whole tour in terms of audience size (I think) because it was our first, and we wanted to give ourselves an easy warm up. I fully expected all kinds of shit to go wrong, but it didn’t happen. The theater was great, the fans were great, we got the movie started on time, everything ran as smoothly as you could expect for the first time. And everyone loved it, but I knew that was going to happen–I’ve already screened this for like 1000 people, and I’ve seen the same overwhelmingly positive reaction so many times, it’s pretty standard at this point, at least to me.

We took a ton of video and a bunch of pictures, and all of that will be up soon, probably either Thursday or Friday. We are running off to the Seattle screening, so the social media stuff will have to wait until after tonight probably. Once we start the full tour, we will have better streamlined the process of getting all of this done and up, BUT–there was still plenty of funny last night. Some of the highlights:

-This one girl who was all over me, and at one point Nils looks over:

Nils “Make sure you come ON her, not IN her.”
Tucker “I think it’ll be OK, she doesn’t look like the type that carries to term.”

-At the bar after the premiere, Waldman challenged this dude to a game of pool. The bet was that Waldman would play one-armed, and if he won, he got to choke the guy out. Well, he smoked him, choked him unconscious (with two arms), and non-chalantly dropped him to the ground. His friends were freaking out, “He’s not going to wake up! You killed him!” Waldman was nonplussed, “Eh, he’ll be fine,” and then he kicked him right in the chest, not hard enough to hurt but hard enough that he woke up. “Why’d you do that?” someone asked. Waldman smiled, “Re-start his heart.”

Wow.

-The bartender had no problem with that whole scene, but as soon as I stuck a finger in this one girl’s vagina, he got all butthurt and threw us out. WTF? What kind of crowd are you looking for buddy? He’s the MPAA of bars–violence is fine, but the first hint of sex gets you tossed.

-We were in the minivan driving back to the hotel, and the girl with me was laughing about the fact that she was going to some random hotel:

Her “We’re going to your hotel room? I don’t know about that.”
Me “Don’t worry about it, it’ll be a really shallow grave, you can dig yourself out of it. No problem.”
Nils “Tucker, a gentleman would wrap her in plastic first.”

-Oh boy…the girl I hooked up with was very…interesting. She insisted on telling everyone that she was the “female Tucker Max.” That’s always fun. Then we found out she has fucked Ryan Seacrest, which is weird on so many levels. During sex (yes, I followed Ryan Seacrest, I am ashamed too), she was like a fucking air traffic controller:

Tucker “Hey Leonard Bernstein, if you want to conduct, stand in front of an orchestra. If you want to fuck, relax and let’s fuck.”

I finish, and she’s all fired up:

Her “That’s it? Is there more?”
Tucker “Homer sleep now.”
Her “Eh. No! I didn’t even cum! Why don’t you fuck me more?”
Tucker “Because I’m done.”
Her “What about me?!?!!?”
Tucker “You aren’t very familiar with me, are you?”

She prattled on for another few minutes, I didn’t really pay attention, until these gems popped up:

Her “But you are an inspiration to me. Your book and your life have inspired me to write. I am the female you! You need to fuck me more.”
Tucker “Is this a joke? Are you doing a bit for a prank show?”
Her “No! Don’t you have any heroes? Well, I just fucked mine, and it sucked! I expected you to give me the best sex of my life!! For us to connect and talk about writing and life!”
Tucker “What the hell are you talking about?”
Her “Are you at least going to wake up and fuck me more to make up for it?”
Tucker “No, probably not.”
Her “What about later?”
Tucker “I think I only had this half-assed one in me. At least for you. I guess we didn’t connect.”

She got so mad at that she left the hotel.

-I heard about this today from Bill Dawes:

“I heard her in the hallway after she left your room, so I opened my door, stark naked, pointed to the girl in my room and shrugged at her and said ‘Threesome?’ She gave me a look of confusion, that morphed into horror, then disgust and left.”

-And of course, Nils’ and Corman’s tweets during the show were hilarious as well.

-EDIT: Forgot about this, it happened after she had been making out with me at the after-party bar:

Her “You don’t remember my name do you.”
Tucker “Ummmm….”
Her “You seriously don’t remember my name!?!?”
Tucker “Uhhhhh…..Mulva?”

She didn’t get it.

-EDIT #2: Corman wrote this on his blog:

“Last night, after the premiere we walked over to a bar to have a few drinks and unwind. A sort of celebration of, “Hey, we made it through the first night,” and these three guys followed us from the premiere to the bar. That’s weird right? Because it struck me as fucking weird. I get that they’re fans and that they just want to hang out, but one guy was so drunk that he just fell down. Mid-conversation. And the three of us — Chris, Charlie and I — just stared at him, with no clue of what to do.”

I may not make it through these 45 days, but I will die trying, that’s for sure.