I Hope They Serve Beer In Hell

Premiere #13: Philadelphia

September 2, 2009

Philly is such a hard town to figure out.

I know you guys are generally pricks, and hate Santa Claus, and throw batteries at injured guys on stretchers, and that’s cool–because at the very least, even if you are abusive, you’re loud and engaging, and that’s always fun. I came in to the Philly screening not knowing what to expect. But during the pre-show where people tell stories and stuff, this crowd in Philly was the deadest, quietest crowd we’ve had so far in 13 stops.

But then we roll into the Q&A and not only are they much livelier, I have to say this: They had by FAR the best questions in any Q&A in any city. Really smart, contemplative, and incisive questions. I was very impressed, seriously. Normally Q&A’s are kinda boring or draining, but this one was fun (the fact that Czuchry was a surprise guest may have helped).

Normally I list all the funny things from the pre-show here, but there were none. The only funny thing worth mentioning happened during the Q&A. I started everything off by telling the crowd:

Tucker “Let’s see if we can step this up, you guys were deader than Michael Vick’s pit bulls during the pre-show”
[everyone booed]
Nils “So are you guys worried about the quarterback controversy? I mean, Michael Vick is a good QB, he’ll really push Donovan McNabb. I think it’s going to be a dogfight.”

Or the dude who asked if I was worried about more protesters, Nils cracked up, “You assholes signed Michael Vick, and you think WE are worried about protesters!!”

During the signing, I did get a guy to tell me the best Michael Vick joke I’ve heard so far:

“What do Michael Vick and Bob Barker have in common?

They both help control the pet population.”

There are no funny bar or drinking stories because afterwards, we did a bunch of press interviews on the tour bus, and then rolled out. We had to do an overnight drive to Boston because I had AM press to do there.

The Hand Print Story

Well..we didn’t roll out immediately. We had half an hour to kill, and this one girl on the bus had been giving “Fuck Me” eyes for hours, said:

Girl: “You have a half hour? I live right across the street.”
Tucker: “No need to be subtle with me, let’s go.”

We get in the elevator, I grab her and start kissing her, and I put my hand in her crotch, and before I know it I am knuckle deep inside of her. Very nice. This one came to play ball.

She’s telling me she wants me to tie her up, pull her hair, all of the standard BDSM stuff that some girls are into. OK, not really my game, but I can be physical if the girl is really into that.

I throw the Cumfy Cuffs on her, and get to work. I have been with a good number of girls, I basically know my way around the vagina, and let me tell you: This girl was dirty in bed.

And I mean that in the BEST possible way.

I flip her over to finish (I like finishing from behind), and right as I am about to come I decide to put an exclamation point on it by laying a slap on her ass that would make Ike Turner proud. She squealed and I finished, and as I stood there sweating and putting my clothes on, my only regret was that I had to leave to get on the bus. I fucked that girl pretty hard, but I was no where near her limits.

But she wasn’t done.

Dirty Girl “I want you to sign it.”
Tucker “Sign what?”
Dirty Girl “Sign the handprints on my ass.”
Tucker “For real?”
Dirty Girl “Yes. I’ve wanted to fuck you since I was 16, I want proof of this.”

So I did it. And I took a picture, a picture she liked so much she told me to post it on my blog:

WARNING: NSFW PIC OF A FEMALE ASS.

Philly, I can’t figure you out. The one thing I will say is that we had Jim’s cheesesteaks, and there is no way they are better than Pat’s or Gino’s.

-Pictures from the Philly premiere

-Video from the Philly premiere: