I Hope They Serve Beer In Hell

Premiere #16: Toronto

September 7, 2009

I was very excited to do a premiere in Toronto, but unfortunately, the Toronto fans did not get the full “I Hope They Serve Beer In Hell” premiere experience. Though I was still exhausted from the NYC premiere–which was the day before–that was not the problem. The problem was the fucking Canadian government.

I don’t know what the fuck happened to NAFTA, but the Canadian government was going to not only give us a hard time coming across the border, they were going to charge us about 15-20k dollars–BECAUSE WE WANTED TO GIVE STUFF AWAY! They were going to charge us a tax on every swag bag and piece of equipment we were bringing into the country. Fucking ridiculous. I love my fans, but I am not going to get fucked because of it.

We almost cancelled the whole stop, but decided that it would be really shitty to let the Canadian government’s assholery fuck over my fans. Instead, we routed the bus to East Lansing, and me, Jeff, Charlie and Bill flew into Toronto to do a paired down show. Fucking Nils was supposed to come but didn’t. Why not? He “lost” his passport, and conveniently spent the Labor Day break with his wife in NYC. Great job, you lazy shithead.

So under those kinda crappy circumstances, we did the Toronto show. As a result, the pre-show, well, was not up to par. I was still mentally blown-out after NYC, and without my comedic sniper giving me cover fire, it just didn’t pop like it should. Still some funny stuff though:

-Guy mumbles through a story where he mentions that the age of consent is 14 in Canada:
Tucker: The age of consent is 14? Are you kidding me? So all of you talk like you have dicks in your mouths AND you’re pedophiles. Oh Canada indeed.

-Guy claims he did an angry pirate with his ex, i.e., that he came in her eye, kicked her in the shin, and she yelled “Avast ye, matey!”:
Tucker: I believe you, but I think you did it with a dude.

-Guy stood up wearing a shiny Affliction shirt and tells a story about how he was wasted, having sex with a girl on a bench at the beach. She falls off, and he shoots his load into the air:
Tucker: You keep banging away even after she fell off the bench? Just pumping in the air? And it got you off? What are you, a fucking dog?
Guy: So anyways, I came then went to pass out in my room and…
Tucker: So you left her knocked out on the beach?
Guy: No, I took her back to her room. Anyways, I wake up the next morning and my dick fucking hurts. And I’m a victim of the Catholic brand of sexual education, which basically says that if you have sex before marriage, your dick falls off. I was 17 and a complete idiot, give me a break.
Tucker: What do you mean 17? What are you, 17 and a half now? Ah 17. I’ve learned so much since then, like how to wear shiny shirts.
Bill: I think he bedazzled it himself.
[Doctor ends up telling the guy he broke his dick when they fell off the bench]
Tucker: (Stands in shock) Dude you’ve rendered me speechless. I don’t know what to say to you. You are so fucked up on so many levels.
Bill: The only people who break their dicks have curved dicks. What are you, dog leg left?
Tucker: I don’t understand how you broke your dick though. You were fucking her, she fell off the bench… There’s a crucial part of the story missing there. And then you just said you came in the air! Did you start fucking the bench or something? That’s what happened! You fucked a bench and broke your dick. There you go, you fucking stugots. Nice shirt by the way, tell Chuck Liddell I said hi.

-Next guy was a loser from the start:
Guy: So I got an IM from a girl I was hooking up with on the regular.
Bill: Bullshit!
Tucker: He’s probably from Manitoba, so it’s believable.
(Tells story about how he was about to give a girl a facial)
Guy: I was kinda looking up in the air because she wasn’t very attractive, I’ll admit.
Tucker: Shocking.
Bill: I’ll have to file that one under ‘pot and kettle.’
(Guy accidentally hit girl in the face while he was jerking off because she tried to go down on him while he was looking up)
Guy: And I looked down and…”
Tucker: Said, eh?
Guy: As soon as I figured out she was okay, then I came on her face.
Tucker: The story would have been better if you knocked her out. On accident. And then came on her face. And took her money and left.
Bill: If he took her money, it’d be capitalism. That wouldn’t fly.

-Girl with big tits walks up, flashes Tucker:
Tucker: You don’t have to tell a story, you already won.
Bill: How many children?
Girl: One.
Bill: Okay.
[Everyone laughs]
Tucker: At least we know she fucks.
[Girl says she was at a bar, guys had a bet as to who was going to fuck her at the end of the night]
Bill: Was it the person who loses has to fuck you?
(Girl admits to having sex with all the guys, and each of them says that she was their first Canadian)
Tucker: You could’ve just said “I’m a huge slut” after you showed us your tits and saved everyone time.

-Guy stands up with a huge Jew Fro:
Bill: We got a Canadian Jew here.
Guy: Tough act to follow. I’m not going to flash you.
Tucker: You’ll just steal our money AND our health care.
(Talks about how they’re taking flaming shots of it, and his hand lights on fire)
Tucker: I saw that video on Youtube, it was awesome. Not your story, but the dude in the video. Shut up and give the next guy the mic.
Bill: Wait, anything left to the story?
Tucker: “And then we killed Jesus.” That would be great. If you got up and said, “Then we killed Jesus, fuck you,” then sat down, you’d be my hero. But you didn’t, you told a shitty story and now you;re late for temple.

-Guy talks about how he started working for an airline, got free tickets to go anywhere, and decided to go to Montreal.
Tucker: “I can go anywhere in the world! I’ll go to another city in Canada, eh?!
Guy: It gets worse.
Tucker: What, did you eat some bad poutine?
(Guy orders 30 shots for him and his friends, but is so drunk that when they arrive, he thinks someone else ordered and that they’re free. Rest of his story sucked, but ends with him getting beat up by 5 black dudes)
Bill: And that’s the story of how he lost his virginity!

Bill: One more story. I think this might be a black guy.
Tucker: Dude we’re in Toronto. It’s weird, just because he is brown doesn’t mean you can make that assumption here.
Guy: I’m not even from Toronto, I’m actually from Ottowa.
Tucker: Oh shit, I was way off!
Guy: You want to hear a story about why you shouldn’t be nice? Alright, here’s the deal…
Tucker: I’ve been doing this for 16 stops and can already tell this will be a terrible story. Take the mic away from him. Take the mic Bill!
Bill: He’s big and black, I’m scared!
Tucker: He’s a Canadian black guy, they’re not like the American version, they’re nice
Bill: Oh wait (points, grabs mic and runs away)

-The Toronto pictures are here.

-The Toronto Premiere video is here [coming soon]

Previous Recaps and Videos:

Premiere #15: New York City [Tucker's recap] [Video recap]

Premiere #14: Boston [Tucker's recap] [Video recap]

Premiere #13: Philadelphia [Tucker's recap] [Video recap]

Premiere #12: State College [Tucker's recap] [Video recap]

Premiere #11: College Park [Tucker's recap] [Video recap]

Premiere #10: Washington DC [Tucker's recap] [Video recap]

Premiere #9: Blacksburg [Tucker's recap] [Video recap]

Premiere #8: Raleigh [Tucker's recap] [Video recap*]

Special Bonus: The SeX-ray Video