I Hope They Serve Beer In Hell

Premiere #17: East Lansing

September 9, 2009

Some people have this idea that I hate Michigan State. The reality is the opposite: I love Michigan State. How could I hate a place that provides such a ripe, easy target for jokes?

The premiere in East Lansing last night went off nice and smooth, solid crowd, good jokes, good sex with a girl with huge tits, and I got to bed early. An easy win. Sort of like when other Big Ten teams play MSU. Snap!

To the funny:

-At the beginning it was a dead crowd, and no one would tell a story, so I got them started:

“I know there are some drinkers in this audience. As many of you who have had parents fired from auto plants this past year, I know there are some good angry drunk stories.”

-The first guy gets up and launches this beauty:

Guy: During welcome week, I was playing beer pong in my basement. And after midnight, we have a rule where if you miss the table, you remove an article of clothing.
Tucker: It’s all dudes, I assume?
Nils: Lambda Lambda Lambda.
[Guy kept missing the table, got completely naked. His partner was his girlfriend.]
Guy: It got to the point where the opposing team was mocking us, and…
Tucker: Because she was fat?
Guy: No, they were mocking us for different reasons.
Nils: What were those reasons? Were they saying you couldn’t put your balls in the right place?
Guy: They said my hand was not enough to cover what I was carrying.
Nils: You mean your pubic hair?
Tucker: Look at his goatee, you know that dude is packing serious fucking bush.
Guy: What’s wrong with my facial hair?
TUcker: You have a fucking chin strap dude. Either you don’t shave or you did that on purpose. Either way, you’re a douche bag.
Nils: So you’re covering your snatch…
Guy: The opponents say my girlfriend could more easily cover that up with her mouth. And she got down on her knees and tried sucking my dick during the beer pong game.
Tucker: Wait, she ‘tried’? How did she try? It’s like Yoda says dude, there’s no try. It’s do or do not.
Guy: The cool part of the story is that as she was trying to suck my dick, I was able to whack her away to make the last three cups then bring her into the privacy of my room.
Tucker: WHAT! No, that’s not cool. You stopped a girl from giving you head? What the fuck is wrong with you?
Nils: What kind of priorities are those?
Tucker: It’s a cool story if you hit the cups while she’s giving you head. That’s awesome. Instead you’re a quasi-homosexual who wanted his buddies to look at his package instead of get head, which is fine if you’re gay, but if you’re pretending, it’s not, especially considering you have a girlfriend. AND you suck at beer pong.
Nils: So you meat-slapped her to get her out of the way so you could really hone in on the cup?
Tucker: I hope she dumped you for picking beer pong over fellatio. Where is your girlfriend, is she here?
Nils: She’s fucking a professor.
Bill: She lives at Niagara Falls. And she doesn’t have a phone. And he doesn’t have any pictures.

-This guy stood up to tell a story who looked very Italian to me:
Tucker: There you go, we have a guido up there. You know he has a long rambling story that goes nowhere and ends with, “And then I fucking hit her with a stromboli.”
Guy: Not a guido, actually Syrian. I know that’s not better.
Tucker: Yea, that’s a lot worse.
[An older lady starts making out with a girl out of the blue in front of his friend's parents]
Nils: I think Vivid actually made this movie.
Tucker: Syrian culture is a lot different than ours, they share a lot of things we don’t, other than terrorist suspects of course.
Guy: So I scoop her up…
Nils: With your poop hand?
[Guy claims he had whiskey dick and couldn't get the condom on, yet he still fucked her and came inside of her]
Tucker: Wait, this sounds like some shit I’d tell girls in high school. I can’t get the condom on, but I can still fuck you.
Bill: This better be a heart-warming abortion story.
Nils: I feel like this is a Planned Parenthood message.
Tucker: Shouldn’t it be Unplanned Parenthood? Whatever.
Nils: Before we go any further, I feel like we have to do some CSI. Okay, I’m Gil Grisam.
[Nils tries to recap]
Guy: Right, but we skipped the part where she blew me and licked my ass.
Tucker: Do you have her number?
Guy: Then I had anal sex with her after I got my second wind.
Nils: This is like reading a story of Al Jazeera. It’s all lies. So where did you cum?
Guy: Inside her vagina.
Tucker: I don’t understand, you couldn’t get hard to put a condom on, but you were able to get hard three other times after that? Do you have an inflatable dick or something, like Reebok pump shoes? There’s no punch line, is there? The punch line is your life. Give him a beer pong kit, he has nothing else going for him.

-This guy stood up who was painfully awkward looking:

Tucker: Oh, a guy with a Cabo Wabo t-shirt. You know he parties.
Nils: Give it to Matthew Lillard. Let’s go Shaggy.
Bill: Is this a story about your booze cruise?
[Starts explaining story]
Tucker: You’re so far into awkward right now, you are crossing into embarrassing.
Nils: You started at awkward.
Guy: I was hooking up with a girl in my backyard, and…
Tucker: Who are these chicks in Michigan fucking you guys? Seriously.
Nils: They’re from the Upper Peninsula.
[Guys story rambles on]
Tucker: Is there a punch line?
Nils: It’s his address.
[Guy keeps talking, stuttering]
Nils: Can you only speak four words at a time?
Tucker: You’re dying quicker than one of Michael Vick’s pit bulls. Seriously, just make up a punch line, I don’t care.
[Guy's friend walks in on him while he's hooking up, and stands there telling jokes]
Tucker: Were his jokes funny, or were they like your story?
Bill: What was the joke? “Knock knock. Who’s there? Rapist.”

-A kinda dorky guy with dark rimmed glasses in a dark jacket looking exactly like the Verizon guy stands up:

Guy: [Starts to tell story, Tucker interrupts]
Tucker: Dude you should have stood up and said, “I have 8,000 people behind me, can you hear me now?” If you had done that, you’d be my hero. But you didn’t, and now everyone knows you’re lame.
[Talks about how he flew down to Hawaii to meet up with a girl, and was "raw dogging it" while having sex with her]
Nils: I love how proud everyone is of boning without condoms here.
Tucker: I am definitely double-bagging it in East Lansing tonight.
[Verizon guy continues to tell story, says that while he's having sex with a girl, he was worried because he thought he didn't pull out in time]
Tucker: Right. STDs, no problem. AIDS, got it covered. Pregnancy though, which you can get rid of cheaply, that’s what you’re worried about?
Guy: Well a baby is forever but AIDS is only a few years.
Tucker: What? What did they teach you in health class? This is your state, Michigan.
Nils: No wonder you have so many auto workers here.
Bill: This is how this story should end. THIS IS SPARTA! (kicks dude in chest)

-During the Q&A this girl asks a RETARDED question:

Tucker “You clearly go to MSU.”
Girl “Yeah, of course.”
Tucker “The school that produced Charles Rodgers, Jeff Smoker and Plexiglass Burress has reached a new low. Congratulations. You made a white crack head and a guy who shot himself in the leg look smart.”

-Later that night, Charlie was on the tour bus with us and a few girls, and one of them was all into him. I wouldn’t let him hook up though because he had work to do. It went like this:

Girl: Hey Charlie, what are you doing right now? Let’s hang out or something.
Charlie: I need to edit video. You can watch me if you want, but it’s boring.
Girl: Uhhhhh…

And then I took her friend up to my room and had sex, while Charlie did the East Lansing video you can see below.

SO MUCH FOR FREE WORK, HUH CHARLIE?!?!?!

-Pictures from the East Lansing premiere

-Video from the East Lansing premiere: