I Hope They Serve Beer In Hell

Premiere #18: Columbus

September 10, 2009

I will always have a soft spot in my heart for Columbus, simply because this is the first place I truly understood how big my impact on people had become (seen here). I returned yesterday to show the movie–just like I promised I would in May. Kinda ironic that we did the Columbus premiere on September 9th, 2009, which is the seven year anniversary, to the day, of the launching of my original site, www.TuckerMax.com.

Anyway, the premiere itself was awesome. Fun crowd, nice theater, and overall just a fantastic time. It ended up being one of my favorite pre-shows so far:

-This girl starts telling her story, and she is clearly wasted and during her story says she hooked up with a dude in sweat pants:
Tucker: So you hook up with guys who wear sweat pants out to bars?
Girl: No, I dated him for awhile.
Tucker: Oh, even better, you date those guys!
Nils: Then he got tenure…
Tucker: Right, then he went to a club in them and shot himself in the leg and the punchline is it was Plaxico Burress.
[She keeps rambling on pointlessly]
Guy in audience: NEXT!
Tucker: Seriously. Just because the mic is big and black it doesn’t mean you have to hold it in your hand this long.
[Girl keeps rambling]
Tucker: I feel like she’s just randomly putting shit together. These aren’t sentences or thoughts.
Nils: You’re like a giant refrigerator poetry magnet. You’re just rearranging words.
Tucker: This is like drunken slut Mad Libs.
Girl: Alright, I’ll hand the mic back to little dick over here.
Bill: I’ll stretch you like a sweater sleeve, bitch. Trust me.

-This fat dude stood up to tell a story:
Guy: I used to think I had the greatest pickup line in the world until I actually tried it out. And then I went to girl and said…
Nils: I’m on parole?
Guy: I said the line to a girl and she beat me like one of Michael Vick’s pit bulls.
Tucker: Maybe it wasn’t the line, maybe she looked at you. Alright, give him a Jane Fonda workout DVD, not a t-shirt.

-This one guy just busted out with this nonsensical jibberish that no one could understand. Nils and I were befuddled, and Bill dropped this gem:

“Aww, so cute. Is this your Make-A-Wish?”

-A dark skinned dude got up to tell a story:
Bill: Black guy or Jihadist, I can’t tell. Here you go.
Nils: He can be both.
Guy: I’m actually Puerto Rican.
Tucker: Bullshit, you’re full Puerto Rican? Call me papi. Say “Aye, papi.” Come on, say it to Bill.
Guy: Aye papi!
Tucker: Alright, if you sit down now, you’ll be a winner man. If you keep talking, it’s only going to go downhill, I promise.
Nils: Tell us about the story when you came over on a raft.
Tucker: He’s not Haitian, he’s Puerto Rican. They can come over legally. Get your tropical islands right you racist!
(Guy slept with a bisexual girl, but it’s irrelevant to the story)
Tucker: But why would you tell me she was bisexual if it’s just you and her, and there were no other girls there? That’s like saying, “I got a girlfriend in Canada.” It’s bullshit. Saying she’s bisexual is irrelevant. That’s probably why you fucked her. “Oh she’s bisexual, maybe another girl will just fall into bed with us.”
Guy: This is embarrassing, but I fucked her because I hadn’t had sex in seven months.
Tucker: What, were you in prison?
Nils: He was detained. Patriot Act.
Tucker: Fucking George Bush!
Guy: So I got up early the next day, and hid from her in my bathroom until she left.
Nils: Who are you, Anne Frank?
Guy: She showed up at my work later that day.
Tucker: She showed up at Papa John’s? Maybe she was just hungry.
Nils: It was Dominos.
Guy: I work at a gym, and I hid under the desk until she left. For like 30 minutes I was under the desk.
Tucker: You are a coward. You were so afraid of seeing this girl that you had sex with that you hid from her twice? What did she look like, Jabba the Hut? Were you afraid she was going to eat you?
Bill: I don’t think it was a she, I think that’s the problem. Wait no, Puerto Ricans get a lot of pussy. Why do you think 1 out of 4 people have herpes?

-Guy gets a bum to buy him alcohol. Bum thought he had oral herpes, imitated doing a 69 in front of him in downtown Chicago:

Tucker: So all he did was imitate what a 69 looked like? That’s your story? Don’t give him anything. Spit in his face. Actually Dawes, kiss him and give him more herpes, you have a couple of nasty strains of it.

-A cute mixed race girl stood up to tell a story:
Bill: Oh it looks like we got another… Puerto Rican? Dominican? What’s going on here, who fucked who to get you?
Girl: Actually, my dad’s Native American and black, and my mom is Irish and Italian.
Tucker: That’s an awesome home life! Whoo! You have alcoholism on both sides of the genotype!
Girl: I have a story about toothpaste being mistaken as lube.
Tucker: Wow.
Nils: That might be the closest you get to white.
[Girl starts stumbling over her words]
Nils: Let’s go, Poca-whore-us.
(Ends the story, “The morning after, toothpaste is everywhere”).
Tucker: Was it minty?
Girl: It was incredibly minty.
Tucker: Because you went ass-to-mouth, that’s how you know! I knew you were dirty! I knew it! Dawes, that’s your girl for the night.
Nils: You can’t have that much mongrel in you and not go ass-to-mouth at least once or twice a day.
Tucker: Yea, someone’s cashing in at that ATM.
Bill: Do you have an infected dream catcher?

-A ginger raises his hand to tell a story:
Bill: Weasley, can you hop on your broomstick and just fly over to me?
Tucker: What’s it like having Danny Bonaduce as a dad?
Nils: Leave Carrot Top alone.
(Guy hooked up with a girl in her loft bed, rolls off and said he fell eight feet up to floor)
Tucker: Dude, it was normal bed. You’re just a leprechaun.
Nils: You fell like your hopes and dreams.
(Guy’s dick swells up, the punch line is that it was scabies.)
Tucker: How ugly was this chick that she slept with a ginger and had scabies? And she sleeps in an eight foot bed, apparently. Was she a bridge troll or something?
(Guy tells his mom he has scabies)
Nils: I have never had a conservation like that with my mother.
Tucker: You don’t have an alcoholic mick Mom, that’s why. So she threw some whiskey at you and told you to dip it in that?
Bill: Oh, his tattoo says…. herpes.
(Guy had a really faded tattoo saying What Would Tucker Max Do?)
Tucker: He’s so blanch, his skin just absorbed the ink. Give him a t-shirt. Or a mom who’s not a drunk. So not my mom.

-Jaime, one of the girls who works on the tour, wanted to watch tennis on the bus TV. I was having none of that:

“Tennis? What the fuck? Do we look like a bunch of pansies to you? Why not just ask to fuck me with a strap-on? It’s football season woman, nothing else exists to me.”

-Later that night at McFaddens, this dude keeps trying to talk to me. His shirt has the chemical sign for alcohol on it (C2H5OH):
Guy: Tucker, this is the chemical designation for alcohol!
Nils: That seals it; you two have chemistry.
Nils erupts with laughter and won’t stop with the chemistry puns. He ends with this one:
Nils: He had you at H-Two-O!

I almost punched him.

-I ended up hooking up with this girl who had already left Columbus to go back home, and turned around and came back to fuck me:
Tucker: I just texted a twenty year old to get laid. I feel like Bill Dawes.
Jeff: No, you’re not like Dawes. You won’t pretend to love her before you fuck her.

-Later that night after we hooked up, she asked me what I look for in a girlfriend. I was honest:
Tucker: Aside from the obvious things like being hot and smart and whatever, the thing I look for most in a girl to date is someone who gives as much or more than she takes. It seems like everyone who comes to me, comes either to take something or to ask for something. No one really comes to give back, but I guess that comes with the job at this point.

Her response? She paused, nodded like she heard me, then lit up like she remember something and said–verbatim:

“I’ve never told anyone this, but I’m writing a screenplay. It’s really funny, you should read it.”

I thought she was joking at first. Nope. Dead serious. I could not make that up if I tried, it wouldn’t be believable.

That’s why I laugh when people accuse me of objectifying women. I am not complaining about it, but no one gets objectified more than me in my exchanges with girls. The only thing left for her to do to objectify me more would be to mass text everyone in her phone about how she just slept with Tucker Max.

You know, like the girl in East Lansing did.

-Pictures from the Columbus premiere

-Video from the Columbus premiere: