I Hope They Serve Beer In Hell

Premiere #19: Lexington

September 11, 2009

I am so tired from last night, I don’t even have the mental energy to think of a good intro to this blog post. I will just tell you my basest reactions to the premiere and get to the story I want to tell:

-Crowd was awesome, one of the best yet
-I am so glad I don’t live in Kentucky anymore, but I love coming to visit
-Lots of hot girls in Lexington, I had forgotten how many

Before we get to the pre-show funny, I have a story to tell you guys from last night, and boy is it a doozy:

So you may know who Ben Corman is. He works for me, has a blog that is pretty solid, and is working on the tour. He’s a really smart, nice guy, and though he likes girls a lot, he doesn’t have great luck with them liking him back. That’s a nice way of saying: He doesn’t get laid much.

Well, I was at the afterparty, chilling at the bar with some of my KY buddies Drew Curtis and Matt Jones, when Jaime comes running up to me:

“Guess what! Ben is having sex! With a real woman!!”

Apparently, it took the combined efforts of Bill Dawes, Jeff Waldman, Charlie Hoehn, and Jaime to get Ben to make out with this girl at the bar. I guess it really does take a village…to get Ben laid. I went to bed that night happy that my friend finally got some ass. LIttle did I know.

The next morning I woke up and heard the story of the night. I can’t really describe it in detail, because the granual details are to horrifying, but basically, Ben was so excited to get laid, and this girl was so freaky, and they were fucking so hard, Ben stuck his fingers in her ass as he was hitting it from behind. Why?

Ben “I don’t know. I had to hang on to something.”

Well, when he pulled his fingers out, he took some of her ass margarine with him. Shit on his fingers all the way up to his second knuckle, shit on the comforter, pillows, sheets, the headboard and the curtains. THE CURTAINS!!! How do you get shit on the curtains?? I just can’t get the image out of my mind of him of him buck naked, sweating like a iron worker, with one hand plunged in her ass, her bucking him all over the bed while he careens off her like a greased up bowling ball going down a water slide, desperately trying to grasp something with the other hand.

At some point Jeff knocks on their door, and Ben opens it. The girl is naked on the bed, sees Jeff at the door, and yells to him:

Girl “Jeff, come in here and finish me off!”

Jeff doesn’t miss a beat:

Jeff “Ben, you OK with this?”
Ben “Of course man, go for it.”

Ben had literally finished fucking her just minutes before. With fresh shit on the drapes, I can only imagine her crotch looked like a babies mouth after eating pudding. This didn’t phase or stop Jeff. He slapped a condom on and they went at it. He didn’t even WASH HER OFF!!

She left after that, and the last thing anyone heard of her was that later that night, she texted Bill Dawes to see if he wanted to fuck too.

Well, as you can imagine, the next morning, we just lit Waldman up about this:

Tucker “Why would you fuck her?”
Jeff “Are you kidding? It was funny. I pictured it like Fight Club or something.”
Nils “Did you not think about the fact that you were following Ben Corman.”
Jeff [long reflective pause]
Nils “You didn’t even wait for a full commercial break before you waded in and steeped yourself in Corman ass juice!”
Jeff “Oh my god. I followed Ben Corman!”
Tucker “HELLO! That wasn’t the first thought in your mind??”
Jeff “NO!”
Tucker “That is crappy.”
Nils “No wonder you had a shit eating grin this morning.”
Jeff “SHUT UP! BOTH OF YOU FUCK YOURSELVES!”

So when you see Jeff Waldman at one of the upcoming premieres, PLEASE do me a favor and ask him, “What does Ben Corman taste like?”

This is Jeff [the girl in the pic is NOT the girl from last night, this is from Seattle]:

Now on to the pre-show funny:

-Guy stands up who has crutches and is a dead ringer for Peter Jackson:
Tucker: I thought he picked up a battle ax at first, like he came from the Renaissance Fair.
(Guy tells story about how he went to a brothel in Austria)
Guy: So we took this other guy with us who was ewww.
Tucker: Hold on, how ugly is that motherfucker that you’re making fun of him? Seriously, you like Peter Jackson and you are mocking someone else’s looks?
Guy: Oh, trust me. He was bad.
Tucker: Dude, if you tell me you went inside and got a hooker and it was Karen Sypher [this is a Kentucky joke], it’d be the best story I’ve ever heard.
Guy: So my friend’s in there for 25 minutes. Then he comes out and yells in middle of the street, “I’M NO LONGER A VIRGIN!”
Tucker: This was you, or your friend?
Guy: Hahahahah, my friend obviously.
Bill: He’s laughing so hard because you thought he was a virgin, Tucker. That’s preposterous!
Tucker: Yeah, he’s had a credit card for ten years, how could he be a virgin?

-Guy stands up who is very guido:
Tucker: Are you a redneck guido? What part of Kentucky are you from?
Guy: McCreary County.
Tucker: Holy shit, that is redneck. I’m from Winchester and even we get to make fun of you guys.
Guy: I recently got married, and in 2002 I decided to take my new fiance to King’s Island.
Tucker: Haha! You spare no expense, do you? “I want to spend my life with you, let’s go to King’s Island.” Were you in high school?
Guy: No, I had just graduated from Western.
Tucker: Wow.
(Guy tells story about how he had to shit so bad that as he pulled his pants down, the shit skimmed his pants, hit the front of the toilet, then bounced back and hit him in the face)
Nils: HAHAHAHA!
Guy: And it gets worse.
Tucker: How could that get worse? You came outside and Rick Pitino was fucking your fiance?
Guy: The toilet overflowed and all the other people’s shit came out. It goes all over my pants, all over my shoes, and so I actually have to strip buck naked. I go outside, see a guy I know, and almost start to cry. So I put all my wet clothes back on, run out to my car, and wipe off with a pair of socks.
Tucker: I guarantee you spent the rest of the day in the park, didn’t you? I paid for my ticket man, what do you want me to do? Shit!
(Guy says he took a shower near a Spongebob Squarepants amusement park ride)
Nils: You took an amusement park shower after taking an amusement park shit.
Bill: Spongebob Shit-Pants.
Tucker: I used to make a joke about taking Puerto Rican showers, and now I’m going to call them McCreary County showers.

-Guy tells a story about how he told a girl that retards are like birds to a girl who was a special ed teacher.
Guy: I was like, “Birds only know how to do one thing. They know how to move around, gather in groups, and they know how to shit and piss.”
Nils: That’s more than one thing.
Tucker: You sure you weren’t in her class?
Nils: You were a student.
Tucker: Hold on. The whole plethora of special education jokes that exists, and you pick retards as birds. That’s like being at the fucking buffet and eating out of the dumpster.

-Girl tells story about how they had a “You bring it, you fuck it” party:
Girl: I’m a rum girl, so I had a little Captain in me.
Tucker: Wait, you stuck a rum bottle into your vagina?
Girl: The stem of it, yea.
Tucker: Just the tip. You couldn’t fit the rest? Bullshit!
Nils: I’m shocked you didn’t bring a round, tub-sized Martinelli apple cider bottle.
Bill: Do any of you guys like carbonated beverages? (Silence) Okay, no one got that.

-The awesomest redneck ever stood up to tell a story, pictured here:
Guy: My story is about the first time I got drunk.
Tucker: Where are you from?
Guy: Floyd County.
Tucker: There you go. How old were you?
Guy: 15.
Tucker: What are you, 16 now?
Guy: I’m 17!
Tucker: [in a redneck voice] “I’m 17! I’ve been driving my tractor for 3 years, you son of a bitch!”
Guy: I done had my tractor license for 4 years, so there!
Nils: Keep going, Bobby Hill.
Tucker: Who bought the liquor for you? Connie?
Guy: The tequila I was drinking had a little scorpion thing at the bottom.
Tucker: It’s called a worm.
Guy: Whatever.
Nils: Critters is critters, right?
(Guy talks about how he fought a fence post, and fell in love with a 40 year old woman on the street)
Guy: That woman said she’d never forget me.
Tucker: Of course not, your mom will always remember you.
Guy: Oh, come on!
Tucker: She’ll love you forever. I feel like we should just take you on the tour bus just to talk and entertain us. Alright, are we ready to go?
Guy: Can I at least get a beer?
Tucker: No! You’re 17, you shit head! We’re in civilization, this is not Bum Fuck!