I Hope They Serve Beer In Hell

Premiere #20: Bloomington

September 12, 2009

Here is all the funny from the Bloomington pre-show:

Guy: I was dating a girl who was a squirter. I had to break up with her because I ran out of laundry money.
Nils: Attaboy!
Tucker: Now that’s a good story!
Bill: It’s called rubber sheets, you asshole. Be sensitive.

That’s it. Yeah, I know.

I am sorry for this, it is my fault, I was so hungover and exhausted from the tour and the Lexington stop, I just didn’t have it in Bloomington. I am not that sorry, because come on–I’m a Kentuckian, so fuck IU–but I do apologize to my fans, Nils and I usually put on a great show, and this one was just so so.

But, anticipating that I was going to have at least one mediocre show, I saved up a bunch of good one liners from various people during the tour, and will now post them all. Even if I wasn’t funny yesterday, at least this post will be:

-An Indian girl (dot) hands us a poster to sign and says:
Girl: Give me your best advice, either for dating or life.
Nils: Don’t date untouchables.

-Jeff was standing by the bar alone, and I had seen him talking to a cute girl for awhile earlier:
Tucker: Jeff, what’s going on with that girl? You were all into her earlier.
Jeff: I don’t know, I had a couple drinks, now I don’t care anymore. Story of my life.

-Chris Griffin hooked up with a girl in his hotel room when Charlie was sleeping in the other bed. The next day, Charlie described it as such:
“I was asleep at first, but yeah, I was in the room for the whole thing. It was long and awkward. Like an American Idol audition.”

-Bill was talking to a group of girls, and one girl who had a big nose, so Bill tried to make a joke:
Bill: So even though we are in Kentucky, and you ladies have a Jewish friend. That’s so nice of you.
Girl: I’m not Jewish.
Bill: Really? Hmm. You should tell your face that.

-Got this text from a college girl I hooked up with:
“I am still sore from last night. It’s going to suck going back to whiskey dick plaid shorts frat guys.”

-Asian gets up to tell a story:
Nils “Do you come Soy Sauce?”
[he describes a situation that is illegal]
Tucker “Dude, what the fuck? That’s not funny. Sexual assault is not a punchline.”

-A few nights ago, Charlie was going to hook up with a hot girl. Since she was better looking than the girl I was going to fuck, I had to put a stop to it:
Tucker: Charlie, you don’t have time for sex. You need to finish the video capture and editing todays premiere vid. Tonight.
Charlie: Are you serious?
Tucker: Absolutely. You have a job to do, now go do it. And I’m not paying you extra for overtime, now get in the Hoehn Zone and get to work.
Charlie: FINE!!!

He walked a few steps away, then turned around, tore his shirt off, and angrily bellowed out:

“YOU CAN TAKE MY FREEDOM, BUT YOU CAN’T TAKE MY FREE WORK!!!!”**

BTW–I haven’t really talked about how much we drink on this tour because, well, it never occurred to me. We open beer, we drink it, end of story. But last night during some downtime we were chilling on the bus talking to the tour manager, Dave. He is a veteran of the touring circuit and has run tours for pretty much all the major bands who have toured in America over the past twenty years:
Tucker: We’re out of beer again, tell Chris to get some.
Dave: You guys are out of beer again? I am impressed. You guys drink hard.
Tucker: What?? You’ve been touring for twenty years with rock stars, and you are impressed with us??
Dave: Oh yeah. You guys put down at least as much as the Kid Rock crew.
Jeff: Get the fuck out of here.
Dave: Oh yeah. You guys don’t do drugs, which most bands are heavy on, but drinking, yeah, you guys are right up there with the best. Motley Crew, Average White Band, Kid Rock, those guys, definitely.
Jeff: Are you being serious?
Dave: Of course. Jerry agrees with me. He drove for Hank Williams Jr for years, and he said you guys drink as much as his crew does.
Nils: Hank Williams Jr!?!?!?
Tucker: I don’t know whether to be super impressed or to do an intervention.

So yeah. I am not really sure what to say about that.

-The pictures from the Bloomington premiere.

-The video from the Bloomington premiere:

**FYI–that entire last incident with Charlie and editing was completely made up. I was just laughing so much thinking about what that scene would be like, I had to share.

Previous Premiere Recaps:

Premiere #19: Lexington [Tucker's recap**] [Video recap**]

Premiere #18: Columbus [Tucker's recap] [Video recap]

Premiere #17: East Lansing [Tucker's recap] [Video recap]

Premiere #16: Toronto [Tucker's recap] [Video recap]

Premiere #15: New York City [Tucker's recap] [Video recap**]

Premiere #14: Boston [Tucker's recap**] [Video recap]

Special Bonus: Tucker and Nils Q&A, part 4

Premiere #13: Philadelphia [Tucker's recap] [Video recap]

Premiere #12: State College [Tucker's recap**] [Video recap]

Premiere #11: College Park [Tucker's recap] [Video recap]

Premiere #10: Washington DC [Tucker's recap] [Video recap]