I Hope They Serve Beer In Hell

Premiere #21: Chicago

September 14, 2009

I lived in Chicago for seven years total, and I forgot how awesome of a city it is. Great people, great bars, just a fun time.

Nils and I are coming back and spending the opening weekend of the movie in Chicago, Friday the 25th, Saturday the 26th and Sunday the 27th. We’re going to be hosting parties Friday and Saturday night, and doing other cool stuff, and I will post soon about all of it soon. It’s going to be fun.

The Chicago pre-show was pretty tame, this was a small theater and the lighting sucked, which made it unusual, but whatever, there were still a few funny things to come out of it:

-Guy clearly from the southside:
Guy: So I’m hooking up with this chick, and she tells me I can cum wherever I want. 
Tucker: So tell me you went and came on her armoire or something. That would be a story right there! Or came on her drapes. Come on! 
Guy: We were at my house.
Nils: Hahaha! 
Tucker: So cum on your White Sox jersey.

-Guy stands up wearing soccer jersey: 
Nils: Oh god. If this is about a corner kick, you can sit down. 
Tucker: He’s definitely English. 
Guy: No I’m not. 
Tucker: So you just wear a soccer jersey because you’re a loser then? 
Nils: He’s not English, he just looks inbred. 
(Guy was partying on Rush and Division with friends, where bars close much later, people get much drunker, and standards are much lower) 
Guy: I go to leave… 
Tucker: Did you find a girl from Schaumburg? 
Guy: No, but the girl was very unattractive and kinda fat. Anyways, I go to leave, and her two friends who actually make her look good tell me I have to get out of the cab. So I end up in the lobby with my arm up this girl’s dress, probably even deep inside her.
Nils: ‘Probably’? Is that what you said?
Tucker: Dude, he couldn’t tell the difference between a vagina and a fold. She was sweating too, so he had no chance. 
Nils: Just rooting around like a truffle pig.
Guy: We left the lobby and went up to the banquet hall, where I got her naked. The only thing worse than her clothed was her just in pantie hose. Not a good look. 
Nils: What was it, like stuffing sausage?

-This was the worst: 
Guy: So I was having a devil’s threesome with my buddy and this girl… 
Tucker: So then you’re gay, right? Or at least bi-curious.
Guy: This chick was a class act, and… 
Tucker: Hold on, you’re making fun of the girl? And you are fucking her with another dude in the room? Do not throw rocks when you live in a glass house, young man. That’d be like me calling you an asshole.
(guy talks about how the girl admitted that she had a five-some with four marines) 
Guy: I take her back to the room, and I can’t get my dick up. Maybe it’s because of the five-some, or the whiskey, or… 
Tucker: Or maybe you’re just a pussy.
Nils: Well you look a little like Kyle Orton so you probably can’t complete anything.
Tucker: Oh snap! 
Guy: Anyways, I couldn’t get my dick up, so I leave and see my buddy in the lobby… 
Tucker: You had whiskey dick, so you go find a guy to help you?
Guy: My friend goes, “You mind if I try?” 
Nils: Try getting you up? Tucker: This story’s going to end with, “And that’s when I learned I was gay.” (guy then goes back and has a threesome with her and his buddy) 
Tucker: So you WERE able to get hard with your buddy in the room. I knew it, I fucking knew it! If you’re gay, there’s nothing wrong with that. Just accept it and live it, dude. 
Guy: Nah, we took some boner pills.
Nils: Is your friend Rex Grossman? That would explain everything.

-My friend Jez came to the screening, and told one of her stories about how she went out with a dude who said he was impotent. He told her she made his dick move, he thought she was the woman he was going to marry, and he ran upstairs to grabs a wedding ring: 
Nils: This is the story of Excalibur. 
Jez: I go on a second date, and we meet in a bookstore. This guy has flowers delivered to me at Barnes and Noble, and starts following me around the store reading Shakespeare to me. 
Tucker: Holy shit. This is like the sequel to ‘Tool Academy’ or something. 
Jez: So we get to the Olive Garden, and… (Audience busts out laughing)
Nils: Hahaha! Bottomless breadsticks. 
Tucker: There you go. You can’t top Olive Garden, that’s the end of the story. 
Jez: No, the guy’s an actor and he starts to pretend he’s Batman. 
Tucker: In costume?! 
Jez: Yes!
Tucker: This guy showed up to Olive Garden in a Batman costume? 
Jez: He’s like, “I’m not who you think I am.” And I’m like, “Well who the fuck are you?” And he stands up and does this whole thing… whatever.
Tucker: And you slept with him because you wanted to fuck Batman. 
Jez: How could I sleep with him, he’s impotent! 
(Tucker explains that Jez is the double vagina girl from site, audience applauds)
Nils: Let’s get another round of applause for the other vagina.