I Hope They Serve Beer In Hell

Premiere #22: Madison

September 14, 2009

I know Madison is one of the premiere college party towns in America, but for us, this was one of more chill stops, thankfully, because right now I would literally punch a baby in the face for a day of rest.

But before we get to the funny from the pre-show, I want to talk about something I posted last week. In case you missed it, I posted this:

“Speaking of beer pong kits, since people are loving these so much, we’ve decided to give 1000 of them away as a promotional tool. To get one, it’s very simple: Take a picture of you and your friends with a copy of my book in front of whatever place it is you plan to use the beer pong kit; your fraternity, your sorority, your Army barracks, your backyard, your favorite bar, basically anywhere you can play beer pong. Then post that picture on the I Hope They Serve Beer In Hell Facebook Fanpage. Once you do that, you will get messaged by me or my assistant, Ian Claudius, asking for your address. Give it up, and the beer pong kit will arrive in 1-3 weeks. Pretty simple, but once they are gone, that’s it.”

I meant to write that we were giving away 100 Beer Pong Kits. Not 1000. I didn’t realize this until 200+ people had already responded, so we got the OK from Darko and decided to just up the contest to 1000. This means we still have a ton more kits to give away, so follow the instructions above is you want one for free.

Now, on to the funny parts of last night. You have to imagine these stories in thick Wisconsin accents, it vastly improves the funny:

Guy: One night, my friends and I found out the hard way what happens when you mix alcohol and anti-depressants.
Tucker: Definite Wisconsin story.
Guy: My friend decided that night that he was going to test his, um…um…uh…oh yeah, tolerance.
Nils: Did you just have to do a Wisconsin to English translation in your head?
Tucker: It seriously just took you ten seconds to find the word ‘tolerance.’ Not ‘obsequious’ or anything like that. ‘Tolerance.’ Have another beer, Bucky Badger.
(Guy’s friend got so drunk that he thought he was the warrior of the village, and they got him to make out with a closet door and a lamp)
Tucker: He’s a warrior, and you make him make out with things?
Nils: He’s the love warrior.
Guy: He was 15, I didn’t want to make him do anything too crazy.
Nils: He was a sophomore in high school??
Tucker: So your 15 year old buddy is on anti-depressants and drinking a case of beer? Welcome to Wisconsin.
Guy: No, it was Bacardi.
Tucker: Right, even better. So is there a punch line or is it that you’re all retards?
(Guy continues, his wasted friend pissed on him while he was passed out)
Tucker: How do you know you didn’t just piss yourself?
Nils: Because it was on his neck.

-Guy stands up with a pony tail and looking very hippie nerdish:
Guy: So I’m sitting in the student union one night…
Nils: Reading some poetry.
Tucker: Were you protesting something or what?
Guy: Actually, I was reading George Orwell essays.
Tucker: That’s awesome. You know he’s telling the truth, you can’t make that up.
Guy: Random girl starts talking to me, and she mentions that she likes Rocky Horror Picture Show. And I say, “There’s a showing going on tonight, we should go to that!” Except I forgot that the schedule for the Rocky Horror showings had changed.
Tucker: You had it memorized?! So which character do you play when you go? I know you act it out, be honest.
Guy: Uh, one Halloween I dressed as Magenta.
Tucker: Wow.
Guy: So we showed up to the theater, where they normally have us go in the back door.
Nils: Is that a metaphor or do you actually go in the back door?
Guy: No, that’s where I realized the schedule had changed. Anyways, it’s raining and we’re getting all wet. So she says, “Well let’s just go back to my place.”
Nils: This is the beginning scene of a porn.
Tucker: This is like Nerd Penthouse letters.
Guy: We didn’t hook up that night, but we did have sex that weekend.
Tucker: That’s the punch line, that you had sex? Yay! Whoo! Everyone laughs because we know it’s not true. Actually, I’m wrong–she went to Rocky Horror Picture Show, you she’s a slutty nerd. Good for you.

-Some girl stood up and said her friend was getting her alcohol. She also had a tight shirt on and a fat stomach:
Tucker: Wait, your friend is getting you alcohol? Are you gonna drink during the first trimester of a pregnancy? That’s fucked up.
Nils: Like the baby will be when it drops out four months from now.
Girl: …Really?
Tucker: Yes, really. Have you seen your stomach? College drinking kills the high school body if you aren’t careful.
(The girl explains how her friend doesn’t know who you are, but decided she’s going to have sex with you tonight)
Tucker: So I don’t have a say in the matter? She’s just going to fuck me no matter what I say? I guess I do promote rape culture!

-A redhead stands up to tell a story:
Bill: Let’s have a ginger tell the story.
Tucker: Say this: “So I’m a ginger and because of that I have no soul and my life sucks.” Then just sit down, that’d be awesome!
Nils: “And Bill Walton divorced my mom.”
Bill: Be nice to him, he’s a daywalker.

-Girl stands up dressed in a turtleneck and short sleeves:
Bill: I love the short-sleeve turtleneck, what a fucking hot outfit that is? Are you going to kayak to Florida?
(Girl starts telling story, has a thick Minnesota accent)
Nils: I feel like I’m in rehearsals for ‘Fargo.’
(Girl told same story about a drunk friend locking a midget in a closet)
Bill: And ‘Lord of the Rings’ was a documentary, you dumb bitch. Jesus Christ. She’s cute but my dick retracted into my colon with that accent.

-This one might only be funny with the accompanying video, but this dude talked in this ridiculous monotone voice and it was just cracking everyone up:
Bro Lifeguard: So I was at this party and uh, I’m from Long Island and, uh, I was there over the summer. And uh, I’m a lifeguard so I went to this lifeguard party.
Nils: (bent over laughing)
Tucker: You just used 50 words to say nothing. “I was at a party,” that’s all you had to say.
Bro Lifeguard: Well, I was trying to hit on this girl and everything like that, and…
Nils: Do you use oxide for lube?
Bro Lifeguard: We went upstairs, and we’re hooking up, and I told her to suck my dick.
Tucker: What were your exact words?
Bro Lifeguard: I said, “Do you want to suck my dick?”
Nils: HAHAHAHA! Thank God! I’m so glad! That makes it so much better.
Tucker: What was her exact response?
Nils: Ohhhhh (imitates fellating mic)
Tucker: “Get the fuck outta here, Vinnie bag of donuts. I ain’t going down on you.”
Bro Lifeguard: She said no. So I went back downstairs and see her friend, and I start fucking her.
Tucker: What did you say to her before you started fucking her? “Do you want to fuck?” What’d you say?
Bro Lifeguard: I just… started doing it.
Nils & Tucker: Hahaha!
Bro Lifeguard: So my friend calls me right when I’m fucking her, and he’d like smoked a shit ton of weed, so he’s all high and everything like that.
Tucker: So your phone rings and you pick it up while you’re fucking her.
Bro Lifeguard: Well, it wasn’t that good.
Nils: This guy is brutal, it’s awesome.
Bro Lifeguard: So I picked it up and start talking to him. And he’s all bugging out and shit because of the weed. And he said locked his keys in his car, so he had no way home. And so he was like picking up a brick to throw it through the window.
Nils: HAHA!
Bro Lifeguard: And so I told him not to do that.
Nils: You’re like the Hemingway of Lifeguards.
Tucker: I want to hire this guy and have him narrate movies. “So like, and now the bitch is going in the house, and the fucking guy is gonna cut her. Dumb bitch, don’t go in the house. Ah, now he cut her.”
(Bro Lifeguard finishes story about how he colored his friend’s face completely blue with Sharpies, and his mom picked him up the next day and he had no idea his face was blue)
Tucker: So what does his mom say?
Bro Lifeguard: His mom was like, “Tom! What are you doing?!” And he’s like, “Shut the fuck up, Helen.”
Tucker: That is so Long Island, to call your mom by her first name! That’s fucking funny. Now sit down before you ruin it.