I Hope They Serve Beer In Hell

Premiere #23: Minneapolis

September 15, 2009

I had never been to Minnesota or Minneapolis before last night, but if that premiere is any indication, I am coming back soon and often.

The Minneapolis Premiere was one of the best we’ve had so far, up there with Blacksburg and State College in terms of how awesome the crowd was. They came out to have fun and party, and the pre-show was one of the best we’ve had. And on top of it, this was the best Q&A also; they were smart questions asked by people who clearly did their research and wanted to know more than surface shit.

So from what I can tell, Minneapolis is full of intelligent people who like to drink and party? Sign me up! But before we get to the funny, I have some good news:

Because the tour has been going so amazingly well, we have had our LA premiere moved to the Cinerama Dome at the Arclight. This is basically the biggest place in LA to premiere a movie (along with Mann’s Chinese Theater). The best news about this is that the Dome is a huge theater and we now have a few hundred seats more to sell for that premiere. Buy them here if you want to go (it says sold out, but scroll down to the pulldown menu, it shows the tickets to buy).

On to the funny:

-Nils, who is a Packers fan due to his wife being from Wisconsin, was wearing a Vikings shirt. I had to let him have it before anyone else:
Tucker: So are you going to tell the crowd that you’re pandering by wearing a Vikings shirt when you are in fact a Green Bay fan?
Nil: I’m not pandering!
Tucker: Then what do you call that shirt traitor!
Nils: I am out of clean clothes, and it was the only thing they had that fit me in the hotel gift shop.
Tucker: I think you bought that shirt not because you are fan of the Vikings, but because you’re a fan of the Sex Boat.

-Bill started us off good:
Bill: Wait Tucker, I have a question: If a girl gets drunk and masturbates, is that rape too?
Tucker: Only if she masturbates to my book.

-A woman with a hot body stood up to tell a story:
Tucker: Dawes, is she as hot as she looks?
(Camera light flashes over to girl)
Nils: Ah, the harsh light of reality shines down upon her.
Tucker: Minnesota, the land of the butterface.
[Her friend gets up to defend her]
Tucker: Wait, is that your mom?
Girl: No, she’s my friend! I’ve hooked up with her.
Tucker: Are you lesbians or bi or what?
Girl: It’s called adventures.
Tucker: Adventures? There are almost too many jokes to be made there.
Nils: You guys can play He-Man. She can be Skeletor.
Tucker: Skeletor? She has a great body, dude.
Nils: Alright, now that we’ve broken you down like a Marine, it’s time to build you back up.
Tucker: We’ll build you back up in our image: Slutty.
(Girl says that her boyfriend uses power tools on her)
Nils: He literally drills you?
Tucker: Does he put a dildo on a jigsaw and pump it in and out of you?
Girl: Yep, exactly.
Bill: How destroyed is your pussy?
Tucker: I was totally gonna hit on her but now I feel like I’m not enough man. I mean, I can only go for maybe 30 or 40 minutes but he can go until the gas runs out.
Bill: Now we know who all the Vikings are fucking on the Sex Boat.
Tucker: I don’t care what else you say, you’ve already been a winner for us. Alright, go ahead and tell us your story.
Girl: Okay. So I have been fucked by a beer bottle, a turkey leg, and a baseball bat.
Nils: And by your parents. Literally.
Tucker: Alright, give her a beer pong kit. No wait! Don’t give her the beer pong kit. Fuck her with it!
Nils: It’s even got strings like a tampon, so you can just pull it right out. I doubt you’ll need it, you can probably squat and it’ll fall out.
Tucker: Wow. That is how you start off a pre-show.
Bill: Everyone else is scared now.
Tucker: Yea, they’re scared that they’re going to fall in. Are you kidding me? A turkey leg! Jesus christ, what is this, Thanksgiving porn?

-Guy starts to tell story, he looks like Sean Austin:
Tucker: Samwise, I just got to tell you… what you did for Frodo… well, it’s just great to see you, Samwise. You are one hell of a wing man.
Samwise: Oh come on, screw you!
Nils: Zing!
Tucker: Samwise Gamgee can say anything he wants to me. Where would we be if he hadn’t carried Frodo in those last few hours?
Samwise: The punch line is we get super wasted after taking sleeping pills with our gin. We wake up with a broken toilet, a shower curtain ripped down, and a flooded apartment.
Tucker: Dude, gay hobbit sex is crazy!
Bill: Did you have to move out of the Shire?

-Guy tells story and mentions that he picks up two girls in his basement and invites them up to another room
Tucker: Hold on, you picked up girls in your basement?
Guy: It was at my frat house party.
Tucker: Alright, go ahead.
Guy: So I said, fuck it, I’m not gonna bring them to my room because I don’t want them to know where I live, really.
Tucker: This is Minnesota college student logic. I’m fucking a girl IN MY HOUSE, but because we’re in a different room, she won’t know where I live. You cannot argue with logic that retarded. You win, sir.

-Guy stands up and looks like another Hobbit:
Bill: Look at the size of this guy, I think the whole Fellowship is here.
Guy: So I woke up inside this girl…
Tucker: Inside HER, you mean? (points to girl with the Turkey Leg in her vagina)
Nils: It’s like the Paris Hilton South Park episode. He’s just standing upright in her vagina.
Guy: So I woke up and I’m like, “Where the fuck am I?” And I look over at the girl and I go, “Wow, you are not attractive.”
Tucker: Have you seen a mirror, Frodo? She’s fucking you, what do you expect?

-And this from one of the girls I fucked last night:

“I once was blessed by Pope Benedict in Rome, and fucking you was waaaay more fun… And faster too! ”

-And the award for the most inappropriate comment of the day is split between Nils and I. When we heard Patrick Swayze died, we both twittered about it:

Me: “Patrick Swayze is dead. I guess you can put Baby in a corner after all.”
Nils: “Patrick Swayze’s headed 2 the great Roadhouse in the sky. How freaked will his wife b when he appears 2 her as a ghost while doing pottery?”

-Pictures from the Minneapolis premiere

-Video from the Minneapolis premiere: