I Hope They Serve Beer In Hell

Premiere #24: Iowa City

September 16, 2009

From what I can tell, Iowa has an abundance of two things: Cute girls and strong guys. I have done 24 stops and I gave my number to a ton of girls and never have I had as many seriously firm handshakes from dudes as I did last night. I felt like I had done a forearm workout after the 200 or so people there shook my hand were done. No wonder they produce so many good wrestlers.

On to the funny:

-This poor had no chance:
Guy: One spring break, I went to a strip club and ended up spending $1200.
Tucker: Where was this?
Guy: Fuckin’ Des Moines.
Tucker: For your spring break, you didn’t go to Florida or Cancun. You went to Des Moines! If you stop right there, you win.
Nils: I heard Cedar Rapids is a way hotter spring break spot.
Tucker: Alright, so you’re at a strip club in Des Moines for spring break.
Guy: Yea, and I spent $1200 on one girl.
Tucker: Did you own her afterwards? What did you get from her?
Nils: Scabies.
Guy: Nothing.
Tucker: You got nothing? How did you spend that much? Did she steal it out of your wallet?
(Guy took her out and had dinner with her because he’s a hopeless romantic)
Tucker: No, that’s not a hopeless romantic. That’s a dipshit sucker. You don’t get anything! No beer pong kit! Just like with the stripper, you give us a story and you get nothing back.
Nils: You spent all that money just for a night of meaningful conversation?
Tucker: Was it her uncle or step-father who molested her first, did she at least tell you that much info?
Nils: They Eiffel Towered her.

-A huge dark skinned dude stood up:
Bill: We got a big Native American here. He might be a Chips Ahoy Indian.
Tucker: I had such a good joke teed up, but you trumped it. Fuck you, you Ellen DeGeneres-looking punk.
(Guy has a Barry White voice)
Tucker: Oh my god. Say this after me: This is CNN.
Guy: This is CNN.
(Audience erupts)
Tucker: Hold on, I got a better one: Luke, I am your father.
Guy: Luke, I am your father.
(Audience erupts more)
Nils: It’s James Earl Jones’ illegitimate child. Haha, Keebler tree.
Tucker: He fucked a Keebler elf and that’s his son! Dude, you have to get so much ass off of that voice. You’re a fat half Indian and I’m straight and I am even swooning because of your voice!
(Guy was giving the shocker to a girl while making out with her in a bar)
Guy: And uh… she farted.
Nils: Did she break your finger?
Guy: I felt some vibrations. So I’m looking at my hand and I see some blood on there.
Tucker: From her ass or her vagina?
Guy: Well I ask her if she’s on her period and she says no. Then it dawns on her. She goes, “Oh my god, my ulcer!”
Nils: Then she ran home in a trail full of tears.

-Guy tells a story where his friend is doing anal with his girlfriend, and she poops on the brand new white couch:
Tucker: I already wrote about this, but it’s better because she gave me head and I left a skid mark on the couch.
Guy: So her dad gets home and asks what’s up with the couch.
Nils: Why did they take the plastic off?
Tucker: It’s not his grandmother’s house.
Guy: You know who he blames it on? His girlfriend’s brother’s dog.
Tucker: And that’s the punch line? Tell me the dad dragged the dog outside and shot it.
Guy: He did! Right on the fucking lawn!
Tucker: HE DID SHOOT IT! Oh my god, I knew we were in Iowa. That’s not bad. You don’t get a beer pong kit, because you guys are all punks who let a dog die for you, but that was pretty good.
Bill: Fuck yo couch, nigga!
Nils: What kind of dog was it?
Guy: A beagle.
Tucker: Ah, Nils has a beagle!
Nils: This is like the last half of E! True Hollywood Stories where everything comes unglued. It’s the sad half. This is where REO Speed Wagon goes on their wild ride.

-OK, we are printing this dudes whole story because the pay off is the picture. Read the text, then look at the pic:
Guy: This story is about my friend who can’t get laid, no matter how hard he tries. On St. Patty’s day, he drinks a half a fifth of something. Then he tries to sober up so grabs a Mountain Dew in the car, and it’s full of vodka. He chugs it, but he’s so drunk he doesn’t even notice it’s vodka. So he starts puking and my buddies drag him out of the car, and he’s really fat so they can’t move him anymore. So they just leave him in the parking lot in this pile of mud and leaves, and he just keeps puking in it and he starts rolling around in it. And he’s got a beard, so it’s got all this puke and leaves in it. He’s there for two hours, but instead of moving him, my friend just sat there playing his Gameboy, making sure he doesn’t die. And then he needs to pee — he does this all the time, I don’t know why, but he forgets he needs to do it after he pulls his pants down. So he just left his dick out there. He found out the next day that he burnt it really bad, so he has this giant sunburned dick.
(Audience erupts)
Guy: Once he comes to, he gets up and decides to sleep it off. But he starts to puke even more once he gets in bed — and it’s not his bed, it’s his friend’s — then he pees in it, and he poops in it. And the whole time he’s doing it, he’s rolling around in it. And he’s getting all of it in his beard.
Nils: Is your friend a grizzly bear?
Guy: He was trying to jerk it while puking, and he left his dick out.
Tucker: He was trying to masturbate his sunburned dick with vomit and poop in his beard. This is the greatest man on Earth.
Guy: This all happened last weekend, and I actually have a picture of it.
Tucker: YOU HAVE A PICTURE!! LET ME SEE IT RIGHT NOW!!
(looks at picture)
Tucker: AHHHHH! OH MY GOD! WHY WOULD YOU SHOW ME HIS SUNBURNT PENIS!!! Email this picture to me, it’s going on the Iowa City write up.
(crowd cheers)
Nils: I want to get you a beer pong kit and some handy wipes.
Guy: Ah, my friend is going to hate me.
Tucker: Your friend has bigger problems than this.
Nils: He’s like a low rent Zach Galifianakis.
Tucker: Seriously, this is what The Hangover should have been, like how the pictures at the end were the best part of the movie.

The picture, with their penises blurred out:

But possibly the best part of the whole thing was Bill Dawes and his incident with the mall cops. This is all in the video, but basically, Bill got kicked out of the Mall he was shooting video in, and instead of just leaving and being cool, he tooled on the mall cops to the point where they called the real cops on him and banned him from the mall for a year. This was all before the pre-show started, and we needed Bill to MC the pre-show and the Q&A. So Bill put on a disguise:

I could not let this one go:

Tucker: Dude, you look like the Italian Unabomber.
Bill: Don’t make me laugh. my paper-mache mustache will come off!
Tucker: Hey buddy, you donna like-a my pizza, I send-a you a bomb in a canoli!
Nils: Hey Super Mario, you going thuglife on us?
Tucker: I have-a many thoughts-a, stuff about technology and-a da future! You read them, or I blow up-a your house! Stugots!

-Pictures from the Iowa City premiere

-Video from the Iowa City premiere: