I Hope They Serve Beer In Hell

Premiere #25: Lawrence

September 17, 2009

I have been to Lawrence many times because one of my good friends went to KU for undergrad and got married there, so I have spent many night downing Free State beer and eating at The Wheel. A great city, and I had a blast this time just like all the rest.

Most of the pre-show stories sucked, but there were a few things worth printing:

-This dude was fucking up from the start:
Guy: Alright, so my buddy’s fucking this bitch in the bathroom…
Nils: She’s a nice lady!
(Guy gets wasted, said he was passed out on a couch, then said a girl made out with him)
Tucker: If you were passed out, how did you know she was making out with you? Oh I know, because she’s imaginary…like a Jayhawk.
(crowd erupts)
Guy: Well, I woke up. I freak out and say, “Who the fuck are you?” She starts screaming, I don’t know where the fuck I am. I’m totally in the wrong apartment, and she thinks I’m her boyfriend. All of the sudden I hear a CLICK CLICK CLICK and see a bright light. She has a taser by the door.
Nils: Awesome!
Guy: So I’m trying to leave but I can’t because she’s sitting by the door with a taser. I can’t find my pants, I don’t know where my groceries are…
Nils: Your groceries? You were worried about your perishables?
(Girl’s boyfriend comes out, sees how scared the guy looks, and says, “Just leave, man.”)
Tucker: No dude, this story ends with, “And then I spent two years in jail for rape.”
Guy: I wasn’t raping her. If anything, she was raping me. I was drunk, she was sober.
Tucker: I don’t believe you, and the jury didn’t believe you, and that’s why you’re a fucking criminal. Send him to jail.

-A random and annoying girl yells out, wants to tell story:
Bill: Let’s give her a chance.
[She starts rambling on in a stupid way]
Tucker: Shut the fuck up, no one cares about you. The only good thing that could come out of your mouth is my dick.
[She yells something drunkenly incomprensible]
Tucker: Take the mike from her. Honey, you could have saved us all the time and just stood up and said “I’m a sloppy slut” and sat down.
[She yells again]
Tucker: You look like a keg with a head. Shut up.

-A guy stands up with a ridiculous beard:
Tucker: If you tell a good story, I’m going to give you a razor, not a beer pong kit.
Guy: To cut myself with or to make calls from?
Tucker: To cut off your fucking chinstrap beard.
Nils: Did you just make a Motorola joke?
(Guy gets drunk, has to go to work wasted the next day at “an undisclosed ice cream shop in Topeka”)
Tucker: Undisclosed! Like someone will find out and fire you from a fucking ice cream shop. “Oh, don’t tell anyone I work at Ben & Jerry’s!”
Guy: So I go in to apologize to my co-workers for the shitty job I’m about to do that night.
Tucker: You were so lazy you apologized to the other 16 year olds making $6 an hour? Did you just lay on the floor?
Nils: “I’m sorry buddy, my scoops just aren’t going to be round enough. Not tonight. They’re going to be all oblong, the weight is going to be all off.”
(Guy’s punch line is that he pissed in the freezer at work)
Tucker: That’s the story? You pissed in a freezer? Here’s my story: this idiot told an awful story and he had to leave my movie.

-This guy is sitting around in his hotel, has nothing else to do so he decides he’s going to masturbate:
Tucker: Did you buy any porn or were you just jerking off to memory?
Guy: No, I didn’t need to buy it. I was just naked in the bed. I get to the finish and I look down, and there’s jizz and blood.
Tucker: What, did you jack off with sandpaper?
Guy: I look down and there’s this gash on the side of my dick.
Nils: Did you lose the comforter?
Tucker: How did you not feel a cut on your penis?
Guy: I was cumming, I don’t know.
Bill: It’s called herpes, you dipshit.
Tucker: Stop while you’re ahead. Don’t give him a beer pong kit, give him Valtrex.

-Guy tells boring story about how he had sex with a girl and came on a countertop:
Tucker: Everyone in here hates you right now.
Bill: He came on a countertop, that’s crazy!
Tucker: Wait, let’s stop for a second. I want to understand your thought process. So you’re sitting there thinking, “I fucked a girl and came on a countertop. This crowd will think that’s nuts! I’ll be a hero” Really? What the fuck is wrong with you?
Bill: The funny part is that it was a granite countertop. Get it? Alright, moving on.

-Guy tells story about how he had to give a urine sample for a drug test, but needed to take a shit really bad beforehand. He tried to hold the shit in because he didn’t want to piss and not be able to take the drug test for a job he was applying for:
Guy: I go in, and they tell me they put a blue liquid in the toilet so they’ll know if I flush something. I’ll fail the drug screening if I flush it, so I can’t use the toilet. So I’m standing there, I gotta shit real bad. I’m in a pristine bathroom with an immaculate toilet that I can’t use.
Nils: This has such promise.
Guy: I drop trou, and my anus cannot hold it any longer. I’m shitting all over myself.
Tucker: Yay! Rock chalk Jayhawk, finally!
(Guy shit in his jeans, cleaned up all the shit with paper towels in the bathroom, and walked out wearing his shitty jeans)
Bill: Did you get the job?
Guy: I got the job!

-Guy gets wasted at a club, goes to the beach and starts to have sex with a girl. A Mexican security guard comes up and tells them they have to leave, and the girl starts talking fluent Spanish to him.
Guy: A few minutes later, the girl tells me everything is cool and that we can keep having sex. So as I’m fucking her, the Mexican guy just drops his pants and starts beating off to us having sex.
Tucker: Dude, you’ve obviously never lived in a poor neighborhood. This is like a Tuesday in the barrio.
Guy: So I’m like, oh my god, what’s this dude doing… Yada yada yada, I called her the next day…
Tucker: Wait, hold on. How did you finish with a fucking Mexican guy standing there jacking off right next to you? If there are any dudes sitting next to him, watch out during the movie.
Guy: So we’re fucking the next day, and I wanted to look cool, so I got one of those extended pleasure condoms.
Tucker: Do you have performance problems? I don’t understand.
Guy: Nah, I just like fucking better when I can’t feel anything.
Tucker: Whoa! What is the point of sex if you can’t feel it? It’s not hanging out and talking to her. Seriously?
Guy: So I put on the condom, and she goes down on me. She’s sucking me off for a few minutes, then she pops up and goes, “My mouf id numb.”
Tucker: I think we heard that story in Blacksburg. If it’s not an urban legend, then it’s fucking hilarious. Give him a t-shirt.

-BTW, this was a good rundown of a typical premiere

-The pictures from the Lawrence premiere

-The video from the Lawrence premiere: