I Hope They Serve Beer In Hell

Premiere #26: Norman

September 21, 2009

It’s Oklahoma. Do I even need to make a joke? On to the funny:

Guy: About three weeks ago, I was out drinking with a group of friends and a girl I was trying to impress. So there was a lot of Patron involved…
Tucker: That’s how you impress girls — just get them really shit-faced so they forget they’re with you, right? Guy: Exactly.
Nils: Are you sure you didn’t mean DE-press?
Guy: I don’t know.
Tucker: “I don’t know. I don’t understand them fancy words.” (Guy wakes up by himself on the girl’s couch, got so drunk that he pissed in her laundry hamper)
Tucker: Who are you, Najeh Davenport? Get the fuck outta here. (Audience is quiet) You guys are college football fans, you should get that joke.

Guy: So I’m out in the middle of nowhere…
Tucker: I know that place, it’s called Oklahoma.
Guy: My buddies and I are at the strip club, and I ain’t gonna lie: they had their A-team out there.
Tucker: What, the girls with teeth?
Guy: And we’re all drinking moonshine, and my buddy gets so fucked he can’t even stand. Next thing we know, he’s fuckin’ making out with this huge bitch.
Tucker: She’s a nice lady! And she probably came from the strip club, you dumb shit. You think about that?
Guy: She wasn’t even a stripper, she was just there!
Tucker: Of course, she’s just hanging out looking for drunk sailors to hit on. There you go.
Guy: He gets her to buy him a lap dance, and she fully pays for it.
Tucker: So fully paid for it. So, she didn’t put it on layaway?

-Guy wearing really tight pants gets up to tell story:
Guy: This story is about how I sent my senior prom date to the hospital.
Nils: What was his name?
Bill: How often do you guys see plaid with skinny jeans?
Tucker: Oklahoma hipsters man, they have their own style.
Guy: So my prom date says, “Nathan, I’m hungry. Get me a hot dog.” I go to get her a hot dog-
Nils: Your prom had a hot dog bar? Hahaha!
Tucker: That’s the story right there. “I was at prom and they had a hot dog bar.” Just take the mic from this shithead. Nothing can top there being a hot dog stand at his prom.

Tucker: Look at this guy, he looks like an adult with a job and everything. You sure you’re in the right state?
Nils: He walked over from the Cracker Barrel. (Guy tries to get into his hotel room and he thought it was locked, so he kicks in the door that his friend was leaning up against on the other side while making out with a Mexican prostitute).
Guy: I kick in the door, and both of them lose their teeth.
Tucker: Now I know this story is bullshit. I never met a Mexican prostitute with teeth. So what then, she thought they were Chiclets, then she picked up his teeth and sold them? (Tucker cracks up at his own joke, laughing harder than everyone else)
Nils: Chic-lay! Chic-lay!
Tucker: You have to be from LA to get that joke. Chic-lay!

Bill: Alright, we have to give the mic to the black guy. Here we go.
Nils: He has the craziest stories about being from a good family.
Tucker: If you stand up right now and say, “I have perfect credit” and sit down, I’ll give you anything you want! That would be the best story ever!
Guy: I wish. So I was 16 years old and the burden of virginity was killing me…
Nils: That was the burden that was killing you? In the south?
Tucker: “I don’t mind the racism, I just want to fuck.”
Guy: So I hook my best friend up with this girl, and they’re planning on losing their virginity to each other. So I call up the girl and I’m like, “Hey, you don’t want to suck at this. Why don’t you do me first and get rid of your anxiety?”
Nils: Oh, that’s sneaky. Well played.
Guy: So I fuck my best friend’s girl, get crabs… (Audience erupts)
Tucker: See, that’s what happens when you sleep with black people! They get STDs. Wait…

-Pictures from the Norman premiere

-Video from the Norman premiere: