I Hope They Serve Beer In Hell

Premiere #27: Austin

September 21, 2009

Austin is one of my favorite cities in America: Great barbecue, hot girls, amazing bar scene, warm weather–what more can you realistically ask for?

We had originally intended to have the Austin screening on the campus at UT, but after certain people in the administration decided to try to fuck us, we bailed on that and added a public screening as well.

Here is the funny from that pre-show:

-Lady gets up, says several years ago she was riding down in the street in a pedicab, when Tucker said to her, “I guess that gym membership isn’t working out for you, is it?”
Tucker: That was you? I remember that! Wait, hold on. It’s like six years later and you still haven’t gone to the gym?
Nils: I’ve never seen scoliosis because of a gunt.
(Tucker spits out beer from laughing)
Nils: That’s…I didn’t say that out loud.
Bill: You guys, that’s not right. It’s spina bifida.
Tucker: I actually think it’s called a fupa, not a gunt. That would be a good argument: Which is the proper term for a large lower abdomen area in woman: Fupa or Gunt.

-Guy says he’s from the University of Chicago and starts saying how glad he is to be there which transitions into a REALLY boring story:
Bill: Less energy and slower, please.
Nils: Do your best ‘Out of Africa’ impression.
(Guy rambles on for an eternity)
Tucker: I forgot what my life was like before you started this story.

Guy: So I fell asleep on this Asian chick once.
Tucker: Were you fucking her or did you just find an Asian and use her as a pillow?
Guy: No, I was giving it to her.
Tucker: Giving what?
Nils: Your take out order?

Guy: Okay. Embarrassing stories, since we’re all getting to know each other…
Nils: This isn’t a men’s group. Just tell your story.
Bill: Wait, is this pink bandana in your back pocket some sort of gay code?
Nils: That’s to wipe the blood off his butthole.
Guy: This is a story about the most obscure birthday morning I’ve ever had.
Nils: The most obscure?
Guy: I went to bed, woke up with an inflatable sheet…
Nils: THE MOST OBSCURE?
Guy: Mom called me on the phone. It was the most obscure birthday morning ever.
Nils: (Hits himself in head with microphone, looks like he wants to kill himself) The most obscure…
Bill: Go home and look up ‘obscure,’ you idiot.
Nils: Don’t give him a shirt, give him a dictionary.
Tucker: I’m so confused. No one can be that stupid.
Nils: Yes they can.
Tucker: I guess they do make everything bigger in Texas.

-Big guy tells story about how he was hit by a car:
Tucker: Wait, the car hurt you? I’m calling bullshit. That car ran into you, was totaled and you walked off. Look at you. You weigh 400 pounds. What was it, a truck? That’s the only thing I’ll believe that hurt you.
Nils: I’m guessing you were an extra in ‘Where The Wild Things Are.’
Tucker: I love how you make that joke, because he could make the same joke about you.
Nils: Hey, I have the microphone.

-Black girl says she had a really clingy boyfriend who wouldn’t break up with her:
Nils: It’s called a slave owner… I’m just kidding! That was bad.
Tucker: Dude! That actually offended me!
Nils: It’s not 1809, it’s 2009. Sorry!
Tucker: What the fuck. You actually upset me a little bit there. I need a moment. I feel unsafe and violated.
Nils: I felt like I was in ‘Quantum Leap.’
(Girl says she let out a huge queef while having sex)
Tucker: That’s awesome! Can you queef on command?
Bill: We’ll give you a hundred bucks if you queef into the microphone.
Nils: Just emotionally abuse her for 15 minutes, she’ll queef all over you after that.
Bill: Come on, let’s cook that queef up!
Nils: Let’s go, Betty Crocker.

Guy: Long story short, my girlfriend made me cum in my face.
Tucker: Yes, there you go. You hooked us.
Nils: Now reel it in, buddy. Just like ‘Deadliest Catch.’
Guy: This was in the dorm room. She was giving me head, and I did the polite thing and told her I was about to cum.
Tucker: That’s what you get for being a nice guy. You get splooge in your eye.
Guy: It was dark. My girlfriend pulls my dick out of her mouth and aims it up at my face. All of a sudden, I feel something warm hit my face.
Tucker: He said ’something,’ like he doesn’t know what it is!
Guy: You never know, dude.
Tucker: What do you mean ‘you never know’?! What else comes out of your dick?
Nils: What did you think, she shot a Go-gurt at you?

-A girl stands up and says she’s from Louisiana:
Nils: I bet you have a clitoris like a crawdad head.
(She tells a terrible story, crowd boos her)
Bill: I hope Katrina hits again.

-This was later on in the night, and it might not be funny to anyone who wasn’t there, but I have to tell it:

We have been dogging and abusing our Canadian the whole trip because, you know, he’s Canadian. It came to a head Friday night when he was driving me and Nils and some other people home from the Austin after party. I had cock-blocked him, and was railing on him about something, when all of the sudden he screams out at the top of his lungs in the angriest most frustrated voice ever:

“YOU’RE LUCKY I HAVE A POSITIVE ATTITUDE!!!!!!”

I almost choked from laughing.

-Pictures from the Austin premiere:

-Video from the Austin premiere: