I Hope They Serve Beer In Hell

Premiere #28: Tempe

September 28, 2009

Sorry these updates took so long to post, I just got caught up in doing all the press and shit for the release. But don’t fret, Charlie, Greg and Bill kept doing the videos and Nils and I kept bringing the funny during the pre-shows. I’ll release Tempe today, LA tomorrow, SD Wednesday, and SF Thursday. Now on to the funny:

-A fat white dude stand up to tell a story:
Nils: We got Rob and Big up there.
Tucker: That dude is like the white Big.
Nils: He’s Rob the Big. He’s Rig.
Guy: So I’m drunk and driving down the interstate with my buddy here. We picked up this dumb bitch…
Tucker: If she’s talking to you, then you shouldn’t talk shit about her. I feel like a lot of girls don’t do that.
Guy: Later on in the night, my buddy’s driving and I’m in the backseat. This bitch pissed me off so bad, I jerked off in the back and…
Tucker: Please don’t tell a story about sexual assault. Please, PLEASE don’t tell a story about how you shot a load in a girl’s face who didn’t want anything to do with you. Just stop. If that’s how the story ends, then just hand the mic back to Bill.
Guy: I jerked off on the back seat, and that’s it How ’bout that? I didn’t jerk off on her, I wiped it on the seat. Either way, that’s my most embarrassing story.
Tucker: That’s not embarrassing, that just means you’re a punk and a bitch.
Nils: And I’m willing to bet that your most embarrassing story involves childhood at some point.
Tucker: It’s gotta involve eating. You probably have a funny hoagie and bear claw story.

-Bill points out the girl in the audience who came on the bus to fuck me before the movie:
Bill: Anyone have a story about pre-show blowjobs? Oh hey, [Ashley].
Tucker: We fucked. I don’t waste time with blowjobs, Bill. I’m not your boyfriend.
Nils: Just because he finishes in her mouth doesn’t make it a blowjob.
Bill: Valid point, Nils.
Tucker: Zing!
Ashley: You guys are mean!!!

-A guy with a shaved head stands up, and holds a Viking helmet up:
Guy: This isn’t really an embarrassing story. It’s kind of awesome, actually. Down in Mexico, I fucked a stripper on stage with a steel viking helmet.
(Audience erupts)
Nils: HAHAHAHA!
Tucker: Wait, did you have the helmet on, or did you fuck her with the helmet?
Guy: No, I held the helmet and just rammed the horn in and out of her.
Nils: Was this before or after Monday Night Raw, Stone Cold?
Tucker: I want to know what her pussy is like if you can stick a viking helmet inside of it.
Guy: Do you want to see pictures? I’ll run and grab them.
Tucker: GO GET THEM! HURRY!
Nils: I guarantee it’s like one of those Norwegian horns. (Imitates noise of horn)
Tucker: Except it would play ‘La Cucaracha’ if it was a Mexican stripper.
Nils: They used her vagina for a Ricola commercial.

-Typical Tempe assclown stands up to tell a story:
Tucker: Oh we got a dude in an Affliction shirt. They always tell great stories. “Yo, I was fucking this bitch, and then I came on her face, and it was awesome. Jager bombs!”
Guy: So I was having sex with this girl, and she was on top…
Tucker: Yea, you were fucking her. Where was this? Narnia? Get the fuck outta here. We’re not talking about Harry Potter imaginary stories, dude. It had to have happened to you in real life.
Guy: Her head slammed into my headboard, and blood started dripping down onto my forehead. I ended up breaking her nose, and…
Nils: And you were like, “SCORE!”
Tucker: I assume it’s a Snoopy headboard, right?
Nils: It was a Tony Stewart spoiler. So did you get harder, or did you cum?
Guy: I was rock hard! I grabbed her a towel, I ran into the house and…
Tucker: You ran into the house? So you were fucking her in a bed outside?! I KNEW this was an imaginary story! Just look at the dude! If it has to do with him having sex, it’s not real. Tell us a masturbation story.
Guy: I was in the pool house, and I ran into the main house. So I went in and grabbed something from the freezer. I can’t remember what it was…
Nils: A Hot Pocket?
Tucker: Alright, let’s move on.
Bill: Those racecar bed frames are hard.

-Guy says he had sex with two fat girls:
Nils: They weren’t girls; their fupas were hiding their cocks.
Tucker: I STILL say that gunt is a better word.

-Guy in black wife beater stands up:
Guy: Aye-yo.
Tucker: Don’t give him the mic. Just get him some Wisterol or some Deca. “Get the fuck outta here. I haven’t roided in like two years. You shoulda seen me when I was cycling, bro. I’ll fuckin’ crush ya head!”
(Guy talks about hooking up with a gross girl)
Guy: I mean, she’s ugly, she smells bad…
Tucker: So she’s Italian?
Nils: Was she a dead female deer?
Guy: So I tell her I’m about to cum, then she tries pointing my dick at my face. And I’m all like, “What the fuck are you doing?!” I dodge it, and I get outta there…
Tucker: What is this, The Matrix?
Guy: I get home, I’m so pissed off, and I make myself the best sandwich ever.
Nils: HAHAHAHA!
Tucker: If anyone had doubted he was Italian before that sentence… “A little capicola, some salume and mozzarell. It was fuckin’ awesome!”
Guy: No, I had my cum on my hand and ate it with the sandwich.

-This one was my favorite:
Guy: Last night I went downtown, and I traded my Nikon camera for two Philly cheesesteaks.
Nils: Are you the GM for the Clippers? That’s the worst trade I’ve ever heard of.
Tucker: (cracks up) Shit, that’s such a good joke. Ah…was that your whole story?
Guy: Yea.
Tucker: You’re an idiot.

-Pictures from the Tempe premiere

-Video from the Tempe premiere: