I Hope They Serve Beer In Hell

Premiere #30: San Diego

September 29, 2009

I know I am skipping the LA premiere write-up, but we didn’t a pre-show there because of the red carpet, and I want to use that write up as a sort of recap of the tour and early stuff with the movie. So I am posting SD today, SF tomorrow, then LA Thursday or Friday, which will wrap up all the tour write-ups and videos. Now, on to the funny:

-This first story is the most awesome, epic story anyone ever told in any stop. These three Mexican dudes got up, told a great a story that was funny, had a punchline, and not only that, they BROUGHT THE PROP WITH THEM! One of the dudes was even like the hispanic Vanna White, modeling it and waving his hands back and forth. It was truly awesome.

Nils: You’re like the Chicano Jonah Hill.
Guy: This is a story about how I got my uncle a childo.
Tucker: Dude, I know it’s Southern California but I don’t speak Spanish. I can say ‘taco’ and ‘burrito’ but that’s about it.
Guy: THIS is a childo! (Guy busts out a dildo that you wear on your chin)
Tucker: What the fuck is that?!
Guy: I got my uncle a dildo. A chin dildo!
(The hispanic Vanna White puts the strap-on dildo around his face so that it’s sticking out from his chin, starts moving his head back and forth like a rooster)
(Audience erupts)
Tucker: GIVE THAT MAN AND HIS FRIEND WHATEVER THEY WANT!
Nils: Give him an ‘I slept with Tucker Max’ t-shirt.
Tucker: Dude, you have to tell a story now! Your buddy just strapped a dildo on his face and everyone laughed. This is like watching Telemundo Live, it’s awesome. I don’t understand anything but I’m still laughing.
Nils: So is there a story, or is it just childo?
Bill: Alright quiet, the Mexican Geico caveman wants to tell his story.
Guy: So it’s my uncle’s birthday in October, and…
Nils: Your ortillo?
Guy: (in a heavy Mexican accent) It’s my ortillo’s birthday, mane, and I’m thinking, “Shit, what am I gonna get this ese?” (back to American accent) So I find on Amazon that there’s a thing called a chin dildo, and I think, “That is awesome!” So I go ahead and order it to my house, and tell my brother there’s a package coming in the mail and to pick it up, and to NOT let our mom and dad find out about it. Three weeks later, I get this call: “You motherfucker.” “Uh, what happened?” “Well… mom went to the post office today.”
Tucker: Just to be clear, you both live with your parents, right?
Guy: Yea.
Nils: Do you all sleep in the same bed like ‘Charlie and the Chocolate Factory’?
Tucker: There are almost too many Hispanic jokes to make here. Or I could come over the top with a Reggie White joke.
Guy: So my mom gets this brown package with a handwritten address on it. So she asks the mailman, “What is this?” and he goes, “I don’t know, maybe you should open it.” So in front of everyone, she opened the package… (Guy makes the motions of opening a package)
Tucker: I love how you pantomimed that. Like we’re not sure what it looks like to open a package.
Nils: You’re like the Mexican Billy Mays.
(Everyone laughs)
Nils: Billy Maize.
Guy: So she pulls the dildo out in front of everybody at the P.O. Box office. My mom, instead of throwing it away, brings it back home, shows it to my father, and…
Tucker: And he uses it on her! That’d be the best.
Guy: No, no. My dad is like the Mexican Hank Hill.
Tucker: So does that make you the Mexican Bobby Hill? You’re fat and gay and you date an Asian girl who won’t kiss you?
Guy: So my dad goes to my brother, “Son, can you explain this to me?” He takes out the chin dildo, and my brother’s like, “Ohhh, ahhh…. I don’t know what that is.” And since my dad only speaks Spanish and the instructions are in English, he asks my brother to translate them.
Nils: Wait, what is the translation of dildo from English to Spanish? I know it’s probably “butt en el teco”. Oh, all the Mexicans understood that joke! I worked in a kitchen, that’s all you need to know… But seriously, what is the translation?
Guy: Uh, I don’t know. I went to community college.
Tucker: YOU’RE FUCKING MEXICAN! You don’t know how to speak the language?!
Guy: They don’t teach you ‘dildo,’ man! My parents didn’t pass that shit down.
Nils: It’s not an heirloom, it’s a word!
Guy: So my brother is flabbergasted as to what to say, and he’s like, “No, no, it’s a joke!”
Tucker: Hold on. Your dad doesn’t know what a fake penis is? Really? He can’t just tell from looking at it?
Guy: No, he can’t tell what it’s for.
(Tucker stares in utter disbelief, crowd erupts)
Guy: Why would a dildo have straps on it? That’s what he was wondering.
Tucker: How did your dad get across the border?
Guy: So finally my brother gives up, and tells my dad to take it up with me. But my dad tells him that if my uncle wants it, he’s gotta come and pick it up. The thing is, he does come and pick it up… And he was the greatest unicorn at the Halloween party that we’ve ever seen.
Nils: Oh, way to put a pin on that one! Well played!
Tucker: It took us 30 stops and that was the best story we’ve heard. You told it well and it was funny and you had the prop. Awesome. But you know what, Nils? If we had told that story, people would have accused us of being the most racist motherfuckers ever. Thank god a brown person told it.

-This guy stands up who was just begging to be mocked:
Nils: This guy has a visor on, which means his story probably involves date rape.
Guy: So my roommate is talking to this girl at the bar, and within 15 seconds, it appears that she’s no longer interested in him — she’s interested in me. So I’m flirting with her a bit, and she says, “I don’t think you could handle me in bed.” And I say, “I don’t think you know who you’re talking to. Let’s go to my house.” So we stumble out of the bar, while we’re making out and shit…
Nils: This sounds like ‘Forensic Files.’ Are you the Night Stalker? This is really creepy.
Guy: So in the midst of all this, she starts talking about the dog back at her house. It’s this little Jack Russell, and it’s precious…
Nils: HAHAHAHA!
Tucker: He didn’t say that. Did he just say her dog is precious?
Guy: The Jack Russell’s name is Satan. So all the while, I’m thinking it’s gonna be a cock block and I’ll never get laid.
(Tucker almost spits his beer out)
Nils: Cock blocked by a Jack Russell terrier? What is this, ‘Frasier’?
Tucker: So you pulled a Michael Vick and beat it to death.
Bill: If a Jack Russell can cock block you, you deserve to never get laid.
Guy: So we end up going back to her house, and I meet her Jack Russell, which is precious. Then we get going and she tells me to fuck her… and I fuck her.
Tucker: This story is so boring that everyone in this crowd hates you right now.
Guy: We finish and I throw the condom on the floor, and she tells me she feels sick. So I go to get her a glass of water, I come back, and there’s the Jack Russell… chewing on the condom.
Tucker: Dawes, take the mic. He’s going to describe a scene where he hurts a dog and I’m going to get really mad.
Nils: So the essence of your story is that you had two dogs chewing on your condom?
Tucker: People like you are the reason I don’t come to San Diego.

-A military girl stands up:
Bill: Alright, we got a girl in the Marines here.
Tucker: Great. She’s going to tell us a story about how she’s only a little bit of a slut because she only fucked 100 guys last year.
Girl: No, that was more before I joined.
Tucker: Your sluttiness went DOWN after you joined the military?
Girl: Yea.
Tucker: Wow. What were you before you joined? A hooker?
Nils: She was a car wash.
Girl: So my ex-husband and I are going at it for awhile, and we fall asleep after we finish. My mom walks into the apartment, opens up the bedroom door, and I’m lying there butt-ass naked, handcuffed to the bed with a ball gag in my mouth.
Nils: What I wouldn’t pay for a ball gag right now.
Tucker: I know. Your mom was lucky.

-A girl with a huge rack stands up to tell a story:
Bill: Let’s talk to this girl. She has a nice, um, smile.
Tucker: It’s pronounced ‘tits.’
Girl: Actually, I just wanted a beer.
Tucker: 30 stops and finally a cute girl asks for a beer.
Bill: Not that cute, let’s be honest.
Nils: Throw it at her. Maybe she’ll catch it like we’re at Seaworld.

-Another Mexican dude told a story:
Guy: Alright, so years back, we were in Tijuana for my parents’ 25th wedding anniversary.
Tucker: Your parents had their wedding anniversary in Tijuana? I know they’re Mexican, but that’s still funny.
Nils: What was the reception, a donkey show?
Tucker: The donkey was the best man.
Nils: I think the donkey might have been the biological father.
Tucker: That’s racist! No, it’s funny, never mind.
Guy: So we’re out and about, trying to go to a strip club afterwards, and my buddies and I run out of money. We only have ten bucks between the three of us, so we decide to run back to the hotel and grab more cash.
Tucker: Ten bucks? You can live like a king in Tijuana for ten dollars. You’re doing it wrong.
Guy: So we’re going around, and my friend gets a hair up his ass and says he wants a handjob.
Tucker: He’s got two attached to his fucking body… Whatever.
Guy: So we’re walking to get a taxi, when all of a sudden these doors bust open, and these guys go, “Hey amigos, you guys want pussy? You want coca?” And we’re like, “Well, we’re actually looking to get a handjob.”
Nils: Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa… So you have a guy who jumped out of a building, and he offers you coke or pussy, and you say, “How ’bout a handjob!” This is phenomenal. It’s like Chico On Demand.
Guy: So my buddy goes upstairs, tries to negotiate his handjob, and it doesn’t happen. He comes back down, pissed.
Tucker: It doesn’t happen?
Guy: No, the girl wanted twenty bucks.
Bill: HAHAHAHA!
The rest of the story sucked, but that was too awesome not to tell.