I Hope They Serve Beer In Hell

Premiere #31: San Francisco

September 30, 2009

By the time we got to San Francisco, we were so exhausted and worn out from the 31 city tour, I didn’t think I had anything left in my tank. Then we ended up having one of the better pre-shows and Q&A’s of the tour. I guess you never know.

On to the funny:

-Bill hands the mic to a midget. These jokes never get old:
Tucker: Oh yes! A real midget!
Bill: Let me guess — you have a short story?
Tucker: My favorite tiny little fan.
Midget: I don’t want my face on camera, you can’t use my image.
Tucker: You know, the best part is that you already gave permission. The sign is on the door. Entrance constitutes permission, you don’t have to sign anything. It’s a tiny little loophole.
Nils: Can’t we make a little compromise? Just a small one?

-A complete douche nozzle stands up:
Guy: So I’m out in the city and I’m going to meet a bunch of friends at a club, and…
Tucker: Let me guess. It was Ruby Skye [the lamest club in SF].
Guy: No!
Tucker: Yea it was, don’t lie to me.
Guy: Well, we went to this party beforehand and I got really fucked up. So we finally get to the club, and there’s a few hundred people there. Then after about five minutes, I realize that everyone there is a fucking tranny.
Tucker: It took you how long to figure that out?
Guy: I was fucked up, man.
Tucker: Fucked up or turned on?
Guy: I was so fucked up that I started puking on this deck that was right above the trannies. So all of my puke is landing on the trannies below.
Tucker: Tell us they came up and kicked your ass. Trannies can fucking fight, dude.
Guy: No, they were pussies about it.
Nils: No way.
Tucker: There are so many lies here. “The trannies didn’t beat me up,” “I wasn’t turned on.” Whatever, I’m not buying it.
Nils: Trannies are like honey badgers. They’ll fucking tear you apart.
Tucker: Honey badgers are awesome.

-This one was pretty funny:
Guy: So I go out one night with my black friend, Harvey.
Tucker: Why’s he gotta be black? Don’t bring your casual racism in here, buddy.
Guy: He is black! Anyways, he introduces me to this beautiful Dominican girl with a great ass that night, and I end up banging her. About a week later, Harvey calls and tells me she got hit with one of the above ground mini-trains and that she had to get both of her legs amputated.
Nils & Tucker: Hahaha!
Guy: I end up hanging out with her two months later, after she gets all healed up and everything, and I go for another bang. I figure, why not? So I bang her, and it was great!
Tucker: Wait, before you finish, did you make a bunch of amputee jokes? Did you lean her up against a wall and call her Art? Or put her in the pool and call her Bob?
Nils: Did you tell her to change her name to Eileen?
Guy: No, I kept my eyes on the prize, which was between those nubs.
Tucker: She lost both legs but had full vaginal capacity?
Guy: Oh yea, for sure.
Nils: She is Dominican. That might be the only body part of hers that functions on a regular basis.
Tucker: Do you have her number?

-Guy tells story where his punch line is a lame Michael Vick joke:
Tucker: So is there a punch line or is it that you hang out with a bunch of douche bags?
Guy: It was the Mike Vick thing, bro.
Tucker: THAT’S the punch line?! Oh shit.
Guy: That’s the funniest Mike Vick joke, bro!
Tucker: No, it’s awful. A funny Michael Vick joke is — You know, I think the quarterback situation is going to be a dog fight this year. That’s funny. Or a better Michael Vick joke is — Do you know what Michael Vick and Bob Barker have in common? They both keep the pet population down. Now pass the fucking mic on.
Nils: Another one is — Your story is dying more than Michael Vick’s dogs.
Tucker: You mean pit bulls. You gotta get the precision in the punch line.

-Guy tells story about how he’s watching porn, jerking off, and his girlfriend’s dad walks in:
Guy: I rolled over while there was porn blasting on her big screen TV.
Tucker: What kind of porn? Tranny porn? Wait, your not that dude’s friend, never mind… So you watch porn with the volume on? I always mute that shit. Their acting turns me off.
Nils: Unlike you, some people need an emotional connection with their masturbation.
Tucker: How can you emotionally connect to porn stars? They aren’t human.

-This guy had issues:
Guy: So I’m hitting this girl from the back, doggie-style. And as I’m doing it, her dog is licking my balls.
Tucker: …WHAT? This went from guido bullshit to bestiality way too fast.
Nils: Hold on, what kind of dog was it?
Guy: It was one of those little chihuahua dogs.
Tucker: So was this on a bed or were you standing up? Set the scene.
Nils: He’s asleep… He just started his REM cycle.
Guy: Well, we weren’t on the bed.
Tucker: You were just bending her over nothing?
Guy: We were on the pavement, on the actual ground of her apartment.
Tucker: On the pavement?!
Nils: Does she live in a loft? Does she live in Jack London Square?
Tucker: I want to understand how a chihuahua got up to your nuts.
Nils: How did the Taco Bell dog get to your churro?
Tucker: Yo quiero taint!
Nils: So, you’re mythically having sex…
Tucker: Dude, I am sure there’s a girl out there who’s uglier and fatter than him. Were you standing?
Guy: Oh I was standing.
Tucker: How the fuck did it get up to your nuts?
Nils: Was it jumping?
Guy: …I wish I could take myself back to that moment.
(Tucker spins towards Nils, in bewildered disbelief)
Nils: I don’t. I’m scared of that moment.
Tucker: Forget the beer pong kit, we need to get him ‘Story’ by Robert McKee so you learn how to structure some bullshit.
Nils: Do you have an enormous sack?
Tucker: Like the balls that hang from the back of redneck trucks?
Guy: Uh… I wish I could remember, but it did happen.
Tucker: No! I can say I fucked Batman last night, but that doesn’t mean it happened! How did the dog get to your nuts?
Nils: Are you sure it wasn’t just her roommate?
Tucker: I’m going to be constructing scenarios in my head for the next hour and a half. Thanks, asshole. What did she do with her dog after that? I could never look at my dog the same if I knew it had licked some guido’s nuts.
Heckler: She gave it to Michael Vick!
Tucker: That’s a good Michael Vick joke too!

-An older guy stands up to tell a story:
Guy: So my buddy and I are in this nasty ass strip club in El Paso.
Tucker: Is there a non-nasty strip club… Wait, is there a non-nasty anything in El Paso?
Guy: This is as bad as you can imagine.
Tucker: Oh wow.
Nils: Yea, the best strip club in El Paso is in Dallas.
Guy: Exactly.
(Guy’s friend goes in the back room with a stripper, comes back out “grinning ear-to-ear”)
Guy: So I asked him if he banged her, and he goes, “No… I licked her snatch!”
Nils: OHHH! In El Paso?! I’d rather bathe in the Rio Grande.
Tucker: Not ‘in a strip club,’ but ‘in El Paso’ is what you just said! Wow… was she at least cute?
Guy: Dude, in El Paso? Come on.
Tucker: Yea, you’re right.
Nils: He could have hooked a javelina and it would have been better.
Tucker: Did you just make a wild pig joke? You pulled that one out of your ass. Almost as good as a honey badger joke.

-This one ended well:
Guy: So years ago, I’m with my first girlfriend. It’s our first time doing anything sexual ever, and she wants to make a video tape of it. So I find a VHS, I put it in and we make a porn of us where she’s handcuffed while we’re having sex… Two years later, my grandparents come for Christmas.
(Crowd groans)
Guy: We are looking at old Christmas videos, and there’s one tape called “David’s first Christmas.” We put it in, it starts playing, I open a gift, and all of the sudden, in front of my whole family, it cuts to me having sex with my girlfriend, and all my grandparents can say is, “David, what did you do to Christmas?”
Nils: HAHAHAHA!
Tucker: Alright, I have to admit — you look like a fucking douchebag but that was very funny. Give him a beer pong kit, that was good.
Nils: If you ever write that down, the title should be “Ho ho ho.”

-Pictures from the San Francisco premiere

-Video from the San Francisco premiere: