Premiere #7: Columbia
August 29, 2009
It doesn’t get much more southern than Columbia, South Carolina. I have to give the place credit though, there so many hot girls there. I haven’t seen that many hot girls with such tits in person in a long time. Well represented, ladies. On to the funny stuff, starting with Nils and I having fun with the crowd to lead off the show:
-This girl tells a story about how her nose starts bleeding while she’s straddling a guy and making out with him. She runs to the bathroom to clean up, and he comes up and starts fucking her from behind.
Nils: “This is the second blood-related story we’ve had in four days.”
Tucker: “I don’t care about your story, show us your tits!”
-The next dude picked right up where she left off:
Guy: “This is another blood-related story.”
Nils: “Red badge of courage?”
Tucker: “Dude if you went down on a girl while she was having her period, then just get the fuck out. No one wants to hear about that shit.”
Nils: “You’d be our director, actually.”
[Guy tells the story, basically he was so drunk he didn't realize the girl had her tampon in. He pushed it so far up that she had to go to the hospital.]
Tucker: “I guess you have a bigger dick than me, because when I did that, she was still able to pull it on her own. So did they have to stick forceps up there or what?”
Guy: “I don’t know, I didn’t take her.”
Bill: “Tucker, you don’t like going down on a girl while she’s on her period? Come on. This is what you do: you go down there in the middle of her period, I don’t care if it looks like the elevator scene from The Shining. At some point, just come up and go, ‘Why so serious?’”
Tucker: “But in order to do that joke you have to get her cunt blood on your mouth. And I’m not doing that.”
-This guy gives a long-winded story about a helicopter, that ends with:
Guy: “…next thing I know, she’s giving me a blowjob.”
Tucker: “Wait, so the story is you got a blowjob in a helicopter.”
Nils and Tucker exchange glances
Tucker: “Why the fuck didn’t you just say I got a blowjob in a fucking helicopter? All that other shit was meaningless. You’re just trying to show every girl in the theater that you’re fucking English or whatever.”
Bill: “He’s Australian.”
Tucker: “Like I give a fuck which way his toilet flushes.”
Guy: “Fuck you, you’re Canadian!”
Tucker: “I’m going to wait for you outside the fucking theater and whip your ass if you call me a slur again.”
Guy: “Practice falling down, I’ll be there in a minute.”
Tucker: “That’s actually a good line dude, give him something. Maybe a kick his fucking teeth in.”
Nils: “Can we give him citizenship?”
-The girl who ate a page from the book stood up:
Bill: “This girl is a huge fan, and literally ate a page out of her book to win a free book.”
Tucker: “Is she cute, I can’t see that far back in the theater?”
Bill: “Yea, she’s pretty cute.”
Tucker: “You don’t have to do shit like to get stuff for free. Just knock on the bus door, I’ll give you something for free. You’ll have to pay the price later, but whatever. Abortions are cheap in the south.”
-Girl tells a story about having sex with boyfriend, handcuffed naked, and the boyfriend’s dad walks in and starts talking to her, asking when she needs to be home.
Nils: “They have curfews in foster homes?”
-A girl with fucked up hair stands up to tell a story:
Tucker: “Does [the story] involve that haircut, or how you got it? A lawn mower and a bottle of Jack Daniels or what?”
Girl: “Remember the time when you accidentally fucked a guy?”
Nils: “Hahahaha, I do! I remember!”
Tucker: “It may not have been a guy, it may have just been a very masculine stripper. Sweetie, don’t make me start making fat jokes, because I will fill you up like the Shoney’s buffet.”
-Girl tells a story about how a guy falls and breaks her window (or something), she starts laughing and ends with”I just fart in his face.”
Nils: “What is wrong with you women?!”
Tucker: “That’s awesome. That’s a great story.”
Nils: “You realize if we made a composite of the women in this room right now, we’d have a handcuffed bleeding farter.”
Tucker: “Dude, I’m down. Sign me up.”
-A short guy with brown hair and a seriously goofy sweatshirt stands up:
Tucker: “I thought you had a cape on. You look like a post-modern Robin Hood.”
Guy: “So my buddy and I were drinking beers by the river outside, and…”
Tucker: “Wait, so you’re drinking by the crick at the bottom of the holler. I’m from Kentucky, so don’t call it a river. It’s a crick, and it is at the bottom of a holler.”
Bill: “Did you finally get the ring into the volcano at the end?”
Dude: “So we see an outline of a person, so we’re like “Hey!” and are yelling. No reaction. So we start throwing rocks, and still no reaction. We hit her in the head twice, and still no reaction. We walk up, and it’s a dead hooker.”
Tucker: “Wait, what?! What the fuck, this is not a story, it’s a police report. This is how John Grisham novels start. You threw rocks at a dead hooker?”
Bill: “How’d you know she was a hooker? Did you sleep with her after throwing rocks at her?”
Tucker: “The difference is she charged for it. Normally corpses are free, which is what makes her a dead hooker, and not a dead hook-up.”
Nils: “Do you have to stay 300 yards away from all the women in this theater?”
-A girl stands up who is incredibly short:
Bill: “This girl says she’s a real midget.”
Tucker: “No you’re not, you arms are long enough to wipe yourself. Real midgets have to use a rag on a stick. How tall are you?”
Girl: “4′9″”
Tucker: “Dude, I think we can fit her in the catacombs on the bus.”
[She tells a story about how she hit her head on an end table and broke it during sex]
Nils: “This is like the porno version of Wizard of Oz.”
Tucker: “I’m sorry, I’m still thinking about the dude throwing rocks at dead hookers. I didn’t think it was possible for me to not focus on a midget, but that guy did it. I am all fucked up now.”
-The Columbia Premiere pictures are here.
-The Columbia Premiere video:
Previous Recaps and Videos:
Premiere #7: Columbia [Tucker's recap] [Video recap]
Special Bonus: Tucker and Nils Q&A, part 2
Premiere #6: Gainesville [Tucker's recap] [Video recap]
Premiere #5: Tallahasse [Tucker's recap] [Video recap]
Special Bonus: Tucker and Nils Q&A, part 1
Premiere #4: Athens [Tucker's recap] [Video recap]
Premiere #3: Atlanta [Tucker's recap] [Video recap]
Premiere #2: Seattle [Tucker's recap] [Video recap]
