Premiere #9: Blacksburg
August 30, 2009
From the outset, let me say this:
Blacksburg was awesome, it was the best stop we’ve had so far, and because of this, Nils and I are coming back to a see a football game here soon. Probably the Thursday night game on Oct 29th. For real, it was that great of a crowd. I know I busted on you guys a lot during the pre-show and Q&A, but it was legitimately an incredible night, and because we had such a blast, I am definitely coming back. On to the funny:
Guy: “What book have you read recently that you liked?”
Tucker: “I read a book on the way here called The Inner Game of Tennis. I know tennis is for fags, but this is a great book, because.–”
Nils: “You’re losing them, none of them can read.”
[everyone boos]
Tucker: “Yeah, you’re right, sorry. GET DRUNK AND FUCK SLUTS!!! WOOOOO!!!”
[everyone cheers]
-An Asian girl gets up to tell a story, but before she can even start:
Nils: “Is it really sideways?”
Tucker: “It’s not sideways, they just have three pubes and they’re all eight feet long.”
Girl: “That’s not true!”
Tucker: “Bullshit it’s not. I fucked so many Asian girls in college I can tell the difference between Korean, Chinese and Japanese by smell. By smell!”
Girl: “OK, lets see, smell me.”
She walks over, I smell her: Tucker and Nils in unison: “Whore.”
Tucker: “I love Asian girls.”
Nils: “Its cause Asian girls are so good at all that hard work. And if you get them pregnant, you just go to their parents dry cleaners and get a hanger for free.”
Tucker: “You know the girl I want to fuck? Michael and Marcus Vicks mom. You gotta know she has no boundaries.”
-Weird bearded guy gets up to tell the story of tag-teaming a girl with his buddy:
Nils: “I thought Billy Mays died.”
He tells a story about Eiffel Towering a girl.
Tucker: “Stand up, high five each other. Gay. How many times did you make eye contact?”
Then he talks about how he left the splooge on his friends pillow.
Tucker: “You left the pillow there? After the sex? You’re not just gay, you’re a felon, leaving splooge on your boys bed. Is your roommate here? I’ll fight him as your proxy.”
-Big nerdy guy gets up to tell a story:
Tucker: “Hey Bill Gates we would have given you a screening at your house if you asked.”
He tells a stupid story about buddy shitting on a beach.
Tucker: “And then Windows 7 came out and you were OK? Stupid story. Give him a beerpong kit and some stock in Google.”
-Bill Dawes found an old guy sitting in the back of the room:
Bill: “I’m sure John McCain here has some great stories.”
Tucker: “Wouldn’t it be great if he told us about all those people he killed during WWII, about how their faces haunt him still.”
Bill: “Sir, tell us about your first lynching.”
-Girl w/a really boring story about waking up after a long night of drinking and looking at her text messages only to realize she’d written to a recent hook-up, “Are you ready for the best night of your life?”
Nils: “If your hook up was anything like that story, it was probably the most miserable hook-up he ever had.”
-Guy who looks like Grover from Sesame Street tells some dumb ass story about hooking up w/a half Asian girl:
Tucker: “Was she blind?”
Nils: “No, she just likes Muppets.”
Finally, guy gets to the part where she throws up all over his bed and his window and his floor.
Tucker: “So a girl who wasn’t drunk hooked up with you and THEN she threw up?”
Grover searches for an explanation, can’t find one.
Tucker: “I’m just sayin’, dude.”
Nils: “Yeah man, we’re just putting the pieces together.”
Tucker: “1 + you = ugly”
-Some stupid girl gets up to correct us because we’ve been calling it Va-Tech the whole show (their fucking highway signs say it, but apparently the Virginia Department of Transportation is not a strong enough authority on the issue)
Girl: “It’s Vee-Tech. No one from here says Vah-Tech. It’s Vee-Tech. Get it straight.”
Tucker: “That’s funny. I got a bunch of emails telling me it’s actually V.D.-Tech.”
-Poor Charlie. Jeff found this girl who really wanted to fellate Charlie on the tour bus, but unfortunately for him, we were all on the bus when they walked on. He couldn’t make it through the gauntlet. We were riding him, talking all kinds of shit, when I put the cap on it, “When you pull his pants down, if you tell him you thought it would be bigger, I’ll sleep with you are a reward.”
She kinda laughed nervously, and they walked into the back…then came right back out. She was too nervous and left the bus.
Tucker “Charlie, we’ll stop mocking you, go call her back.”
Charlie “I can’t. I don’t even know her name.”
-My favorite part of the whole night though was the girl I fucked. She was very hot, and very nice…but I had to teach her how to use a bottle opener. Seriously. She kept trying to pull the cap off, instead of prying it from the bottom. It was awesome and hilarious and sad, like the average VTech football season.
Go Hokies!
-The Blacksburg pictures
-The Blacksburg video:
Previous Recaps and Videos:
Premiere #8: Raleigh [Tucker's recap] [Video recap]
Special Bonus: The SeX-ray Video
Premiere #7: Columbia [Tucker's recap] [Video recap]
Special Bonus: Tucker and Nils Q&A, part 2
Premiere #6: Gainesville [Tucker's recap] [Video recap]
Premiere #5: Tallahasse [Tucker's recap] [Video recap]
Special Bonus: Tucker and Nils Q&A, part 1
Premiere #4: Athens [Tucker's recap] [Video recap]
Premiere #3: Atlanta [Tucker's recap] [Video recap]
Premiere #2: Seattle [Tucker's recap] [Video recap]
